Remember To Let Her Into Your Heart...

I'll blog about the cruise when I have enough energy to write.... a lot!

Jude wants to focus on living his life for him and touring with one of his bands. I understand that- mostly. He says he'll always feel a certain way for me and he thinks he'll eventually maybe want to work things out. I know that's bullshit and a very unfair thing to say to someone you break up with but I do have a point in bringing this up. If he says that, then why can't it be now? I've never asked him to miss out on anything or compromise his boys' nights because of me. I've never asked anything of him. The only thing I want now is monogamy. But... he wants to tour.

Is it completely demented of me to fear for him? It probably is. But what if I get tired of waiting and meet a nice guy (doubtful, but this is hypothetical) and settle down and Jude begins to feel like playing music is like a job and it's just not enjoyable anymore. He'll come back to no career, no relationship that was once all we ever needed, and no desire to play music anymore. It makes me wonder if this whole thing is really worth it... for him and me. Hhh, I just miss him :/

And I know I sound pathetic... but what if I acted totally fine and he (eventually) decided he was ready? I know him. He'd think, "Oh, she's doing fine so I'll just suffer in silence and let her be..." Whatever. I'm psychotic. But... he'll know.

So Dumb

Kolby's party was pretty terrible. I tried to stay pretty much to myself... minus hanging out with Rachel and Kolby. Mark, too. Jude was- his new self. Cody was- well- his new (to me) self. Whatever.

Jessica and I went to the Roux House last night to see Jason play. Some shawty was being a creeper and asked if we were from Baton Rouge and I just blurted out, "Arkansas. Go Razorbacks!" Well, long story short we hung out with these two really nice, absolutely hilarious guys from New Orleans. They made for a very interesting night. One of the guys (Nick) and I exchanged numbers and texted a little bit but then I cried the entire ride home to Jessica about Jude. I told Mark I'd go see his band play tonight at Phil Brady's but I told him I couldn't. I need to NOT be around Jude. All it does is make me backtrack.

Ready. For. CRUISE!!!!!!!!!! God I soooo need it. Mom too. Just one more day!

Crevice

Sooo, nothing is new. I'm still looking for a job- kind of. There's a lady out at Dow that is getting me a job we just have to wait until Dow starts letting the department hire again. Stupid end-of-year layoffs. But it's supposed to be a really good opportunity so I'm just.... waiting.

I'm still very much single. I don't like it and I can't move the fuck on!! Jude and I tried... well, I tried... to work through our issues but after a few days he always changed his mind. It sucks, but I understand. What I don't understand, however, is that he doesn't seem to think that his actions are eerily similar to mine two years ago. I flip flopped waaaaaay too much with him but he does the same thing and.... he doesn't see it. I'm not saying that it evens out and excuses my actions but I'd just like him to acknowledge the fact that he is doing the same thing to me that he has basically condemned me to hell for. Call a spade a spade for Christ's sake.

He is a completely different person than he used to be. He used to be kind and warm and considerate and now, he just doesn't give a fuck... about anything seemingly... except his demand to be single. But he's not the only one that's changed. Kolby, Brandi, and Danny are the only mutual friends we have. I was attempting to talk to Cody the other night and he basically said he's never been able to remain friends with "the other". SERIOUSLY?!?! He and I used to stay up until the sun came up texting about his desire to be morbidly obese. He confided in me and always told me he just wanted Jude and me happy whether that'd be together or with other people. Now I'm just your friend's ex?? It really (kind of) shocked me and hurt... Kolby is coming into town this weekend and we're having a shangri-la shindig and I don't even want to go. The ONLY reason I'm going is because Kolby lives across the flippin' country from me :( Everyone else, I'd rather not see. They've all washed their hands of me and it's not particularly enjoyable to be around people who don't want to see you. But, Kolby is worth it so I'll put a giant fake smile on, get a buzz, and not give two shits.

I don't even understand!!! I was okay back when... but now, I just can't. I have no interest in meeting anyone else and as much as I try to let it all go, it just won't go away. Every day is hard I try to make myself think of the frustration from paragraph 2 and it gets a little more tolerable. It still sucks though. And Rachel and Lauren have been my main support system. They let me whine, cry, vent, bitch and shoot it to me straight. Yes, it may seem weird, but Lauren is an amazing friend. Jude described his loyalties to his friends by saying they were there for him when he needed them most. Well, Rachel and Lauren are there for me. Such wonderful friends... I think I'd need double the Zoloft if I didn't have them. True story.

Today!

I got some news about a jooooob!! My connection at the DOE told me he put in a request for two more positions and if they approve them he's going to email me and to apply immediately and pretend like I don't know him. Haha. I'm super excited and I thiiiink it was for the position a mile from home :) Yaaay!

Every Wednesday night some friends and I have been going to the Bulldog in Baton Rouge. SOOOO much freakin' fun! I can't remember having that much fun since probably high school.

Sunday I reached my breaking point with work. I took a week off from the cafe and three days off from the bar. I haven't had a full 24 hours off from work in several months... I think since my mom and I went to Alabama. I rested and caught up on sleep and it felt so amazing. Tonight was my first shift back at the bar and although there was some bullshit that led to a deleted person on facebook and a deletion from my phone, it was a pretty okay night. Fuck stupid asshole douchebags that talk shit behind my back. Fucking coward. It truly takes a lot for me to dislike someone, and he is number fucking 2 on my shit list.

Kali gets to show off what she learned at horse riding camp tomorrow. I can't believe that baby is about to be 9!! She has the most amazing soul... and that probably sounds stonerish but it's really true. She's the most grateful child I've ever met.

Ray Lamontagne IN.MY.HEAD!

WOW I've been slacking!!! Let's see. I graduated, have been relentlessly job searching, and just trying to start "things" over. Last post I said Clete and I were over. We mostly have been but a couple times since that he's said... such sweet things and lured me back in but didn't really mean it. One day after work I told him he'd had plenty enough to say too many times and it was my turn. I told him that I was once given a second chance when I absolutely did not deserve one and that was the only reason I was willing. I could be as much or as little as he wanted he just needed to decide what the fuck. I also told him I'd much rather him be brutally honest with me than tell me nice things and not mean them. After several conversations, he finally told me that he doesn't like LA (duh!) and he wanted to be gone sooner than later and that he didn't want to get close to someone to make it that much more difficult to leave. That is a PERFECTLY acceptable explanation!! I wish he would have told me that from the get-go. I have been drivng myself absolutely insane and it was as simple as that. I thanked him for finally being a real person because that is the most honest he's seemed to have ever been. He also told me that he didn't think he could keep his sanity if he wasn't able to talk to me... while he's here. My translation of that is that he's bored since all his buddie's wives moved down and he wants to be able to come to the bar without it being weird. We're acually able to be normal friends now and me not want to just hide. It sounds so ridiculous. But I finally have the closure that I've been needing to move on. Damn Georgian. I have a million other things I could say about and relating to him... and his happiness and fear of living life for him... but that's his deal. My blog is about me. Selfish??

Tonight I got more excited about jobs! There are a few more doors opening and I truly hope SOMETHING works out. I'm so ready for life and WORK!

I'm very much enjoying being a single little bee but it does get a little lonely. Jessica and I talked the other day how I have a probelm with repeat relationships. The only problem is is that I don't go anywhere to meet new people!! I sound like such a loser. This is bad. Next post will be better.

Another One Bites The Dust

A LOT has been going on lately... As a finale to the last post, the lady whose purse I accidentally stole retrieved her item; and was actually grateful!

Last Wednesday, I totaled my car :( I was heading to Baton Rouge and there was a stalled vehicle on the intracoastal. A metal toolbox hit my windshield riiiight where my face was and a brick went through the passenger side of my windshield. I was extremely fortunate to walk away with only a few bruises and was even more thankful that the other person involved was in his vehicle at the time. If he wouldn't have been, he would have been dead. It didn't really hit me how lucky I was until Friday when I was at work. I really can't explain how I feel about it... but I know I was "told" something that night.

Mr. Cletus and I are finito. After our talk a couple posts ago, he went to Georgia to spend Easter with his family and I went to Alabama with my mom. The vibe was really great and we had some really really good conversation. Monday, he had a bad day at work so I offered to listen but he didn't really want to talk about it so I left him be. Tuesday and Wednesday we spoke very little. When I texted him that I totaled my car, basically all I got was "That sucks. Glad you're ok." That one kiiiinda stung. Thursday he and I didn't speak at all. Monty came in the bar during karaoke and asked where he was and I kind of awkwardly laughed and said Iiiiii dunnoooo. He asked what I meant and if we were "fussin". I said I don't know, I haven't spoken to him today. Well, Monty apparently brought it up to him at work Friday and he sent me a "Hope you have a good day." I thanked him, wished him a good day, and asked how things were going. He said not to well, he was kind of a basket case but didn't tell me anymore. I honestly forgot about that part of our conversation and after not talking to me anymore, I decided that I was done caring when Mike came in after their little league game and asked if he was avoiding me (because he asked Clete to come to the bar for a beer, he refused, then was seen at the store buying a case.) Well, I'm done with the semi-relationship-ish part of things but I don't like losing a friend. So I sent him a FB message saying that regardless of anything, I'd never think badly of him and that I'd love to maintain a friendship.... no response. So... yeah. Weird, dumb, and just plain strange.

Also that week, Jude told me he didn't want to be my friend anymore. That hurt a bit worse, but I understand completely. I don't really know what else to say about that..

Lauren and I are actually really good, not awkward in the slightest friends. We kind of eased into it. A smoke break at school, a talk in the hall... that kind of thing. Then we went in Max's boat one weekend and it was a little odd but not unbearable. And now it's really nice. We went shopping the other day and are able to be the friends that I think we should have been all along. I went with her to get an inspection sticker from Dee because the tint on her car is illegal and then she took me to get all the crap out of my car. Someone at the bar asked if she was the reason that Clete and I weren't talking... and I speculate that's why Jude suddenly said he didn't think we should text anymore. I don't know... But I'm really glad that we have been able to overcome all the drama and just be normal.

I've applied for a few jobs that I'm actually qualified for... but they're all pretty far away :( With all the stress from job searching and the wreck and the anxiety from graduating, I kind of quit sleeping. It's been after 5AM for a week and a half before I get to sleep. I know it only makes things worse.... well that's it really. I know it makes things worse. And with the not sleeping I quit having an appetite. I still make myself eat, but I'm never hungry. I'm hoping things start to settle in and all this madness becomes more bearable. We'll see I guess...

Burglar!

Soo, I accidentally stole someone's purse...

When I got to the bar, one of our regular's was waiting on me, along with a vehicle. We joked about Dee getting drunk and needing a ride home the night before and leaving her window down- a lot. He asked if he should reach in, unlock it, and put the window up. I said sure. Well, it was not manual. He said that her purse was on the floor board so I asked him to bring it in and I'd call her and let her know we had it. He did, and I did but she didn't answer. I texted her and asked her to call me when she got a minute.

About an hour and a half later, she called me. I said, "Hey, I have your purse behind the bar." She said, "Noo, you don't." I said, "That's not your car parked outside the bar?!" NOPE! So I ran out to put the purse back aaannnddd, the car was gone. Fuck. Using my mad investigative skills, I found out who it belonged to, but she wasn't listed in the phone book and there are like 500 of her on facebook. Sooo, I found her cell and called her mom who lives in freakin OKLAHOMA and explained to her what happened. Well, the girl still hasn't come to retrieve her purse. I mean, I tried to do the right thing. Our bar IS in the middle of cracktown... But, I feel really bad. I couldn't even find an ID with an address!! I do know she's a registered Choctaw Native American, though. Haha.

Hhhh, I found out last night that the job that I've set my sights on for the past 3 years... I'm over-qualified for :( All you need is to be 18+ and a GED... Back to square flippin one.