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Remember To Let Her Into Your Heart...

2011-12-29T16:21:00.003-06:00

I'll blog about the cruise when I have enough energy to write.... a lot!

Jude wants to focus on living his life for him and touring with one of his bands. I understand that- mostly. He says he'll always feel a certain way for me and he thinks he'll eventually maybe want to work things out. I know that's bullshit and a very unfair thing to say to someone you break up with but I do have a point in bringing this up. If he says that, then why can't it be now? I've never asked him to miss out on anything or compromise his boys' nights because of me. I've never asked anything of him. The only thing I want now is monogamy. But... he wants to tour.

Is it completely demented of me to fear for him? It probably is. But what if I get tired of waiting and meet a nice guy (doubtful, but this is hypothetical) and settle down and Jude begins to feel like playing music is like a job and it's just not enjoyable anymore. He'll come back to no career, no relationship that was once all we ever needed, and no desire to play music anymore. It makes me wonder if this whole thing is really worth it... for him and me. Hhh, I just miss him :/

And I know I sound pathetic... but what if I acted totally fine and he (eventually) decided he was ready? I know him. He'd think, "Oh, she's doing fine so I'll just suffer in silence and let her be..." Whatever. I'm psychotic. But... he'll know.

So Dumb

2011-11-27T01:50:00.004-06:00

Kolby's party was pretty terrible. I tried to stay pretty much to myself... minus hanging out with Rachel and Kolby. Mark, too. Jude was- his new self. Cody was- well- his new (to me) self. Whatever.

Jessica and I went to the Roux House last night to see Jason play. Some shawty was being a creeper and asked if we were from Baton Rouge and I just blurted out, "Arkansas. Go Razorbacks!" Well, long story short we hung out with these two really nice, absolutely hilarious guys from New Orleans. They made for a very interesting night. One of the guys (Nick) and I exchanged numbers and texted a little bit but then I cried the entire ride home to Jessica about Jude. I told Mark I'd go see his band play tonight at Phil Brady's but I told him I couldn't. I need to NOT be around Jude. All it does is make me backtrack.

Ready. For. CRUISE!!!!!!!!!! God I soooo need it. Mom too. Just one more day!

Crevice

2011-11-21T02:00:00.003-06:00

Sooo, nothing is new. I'm still looking for a job- kind of. There's a lady out at Dow that is getting me a job we just have to wait until Dow starts letting the department hire again. Stupid end-of-year layoffs. But it's supposed to be a really good opportunity so I'm just.... waiting.

I'm still very much single. I don't like it and I can't move the fuck on!! Jude and I tried... well, I tried... to work through our issues but after a few days he always changed his mind. It sucks, but I understand. What I don't understand, however, is that he doesn't seem to think that his actions are eerily similar to mine two years ago. I flip flopped waaaaaay too much with him but he does the same thing and.... he doesn't see it. I'm not saying that it evens out and excuses my actions but I'd just like him to acknowledge the fact that he is doing the same thing to me that he has basically condemned me to hell for. Call a spade a spade for Christ's sake.

He is a completely different person than he used to be. He used to be kind and warm and considerate and now, he just doesn't give a fuck... about anything seemingly... except his demand to be single. But he's not the only one that's changed. Kolby, Brandi, and Danny are the only mutual friends we have. I was attempting to talk to Cody the other night and he basically said he's never been able to remain friends with "the other". SERIOUSLY?!?! He and I used to stay up until the sun came up texting about his desire to be morbidly obese. He confided in me and always told me he just wanted Jude and me happy whether that'd be together or with other people. Now I'm just your friend's ex?? It really (kind of) shocked me and hurt... Kolby is coming into town this weekend and we're having a shangri-la shindig and I don't even want to go. The ONLY reason I'm going is because Kolby lives across the flippin' country from me :( Everyone else, I'd rather not see. They've all washed their hands of me and it's not particularly enjoyable to be around people who don't want to see you. But, Kolby is worth it so I'll put a giant fake smile on, get a buzz, and not give two shits.

I don't even understand!!! I was okay back when... but now, I just can't. I have no interest in meeting anyone else and as much as I try to let it all go, it just won't go away. Every day is hard I try to make myself think of the frustration from paragraph 2 and it gets a little more tolerable. It still sucks though. And Rachel and Lauren have been my main support system. They let me whine, cry, vent, bitch and shoot it to me straight. Yes, it may seem weird, but Lauren is an amazing friend. Jude described his loyalties to his friends by saying they were there for him when he needed them most. Well, Rachel and Lauren are there for me. Such wonderful friends... I think I'd need double the Zoloft if I didn't have them. True story.

Today!

2011-08-05T03:03:00.002-05:00

I got some news about a jooooob!! My connection at the DOE told me he put in a request for two more positions and if they approve them he's going to email me and to apply immediately and pretend like I don't know him. Haha. I'm super excited and I thiiiink it was for the position a mile from home :) Yaaay!

Every Wednesday night some friends and I have been going to the Bulldog in Baton Rouge. SOOOO much freakin' fun! I can't remember having that much fun since probably high school.

Sunday I reached my breaking point with work. I took a week off from the cafe and three days off from the bar. I haven't had a full 24 hours off from work in several months... I think since my mom and I went to Alabama. I rested and caught up on sleep and it felt so amazing. Tonight was my first shift back at the bar and although there was some bullshit that led to a deleted person on facebook and a deletion from my phone, it was a pretty okay night. Fuck stupid asshole douchebags that talk shit behind my back. Fucking coward. It truly takes a lot for me to dislike someone, and he is number fucking 2 on my shit list.

Kali gets to show off what she learned at horse riding camp tomorrow. I can't believe that baby is about to be 9!! She has the most amazing soul... and that probably sounds stonerish but it's really true. She's the most grateful child I've ever met.

Ray Lamontagne IN.MY.HEAD!

2011-07-15T03:08:00.003-05:00

WOW I've been slacking!!! Let's see. I graduated, have been relentlessly job searching, and just trying to start "things" over. Last post I said Clete and I were over. We mostly have been but a couple times since that he's said... such sweet things and lured me back in but didn't really mean it. One day after work I told him he'd had plenty enough to say too many times and it was my turn. I told him that I was once given a second chance when I absolutely did not deserve one and that was the only reason I was willing. I could be as much or as little as he wanted he just needed to decide what the fuck. I also told him I'd much rather him be brutally honest with me than tell me nice things and not mean them. After several conversations, he finally told me that he doesn't like LA (duh!) and he wanted to be gone sooner than later and that he didn't want to get close to someone to make it that much more difficult to leave. That is a PERFECTLY acceptable explanation!! I wish he would have told me that from the get-go. I have been drivng myself absolutely insane and it was as simple as that. I thanked him for finally being a real person because that is the most honest he's seemed to have ever been. He also told me that he didn't think he could keep his sanity if he wasn't able to talk to me... while he's here. My translation of that is that he's bored since all his buddie's wives moved down and he wants to be able to come to the bar without it being weird. We're acually able to be normal friends now and me not want to just hide. It sounds so ridiculous. But I finally have the closure that I've been needing to move on. Damn Georgian. I have a million other things I could say about and relating to him... and his happiness and fear of living life for him... but that's his deal. My blog is about me. Selfish??

Tonight I got more excited about jobs! There are a few more doors opening and I truly hope SOMETHING works out. I'm so ready for life and WORK!

I'm very much enjoying being a single little bee but it does get a little lonely. Jessica and I talked the other day how I have a probelm with repeat relationships. The only problem is is that I don't go anywhere to meet new people!! I sound like such a loser. This is bad. Next post will be better.

Another One Bites The Dust

2011-05-03T04:30:00.004-05:00

A LOT has been going on lately... As a finale to the last post, the lady whose purse I accidentally stole retrieved her item; and was actually grateful!

Last Wednesday, I totaled my car :( I was heading to Baton Rouge and there was a stalled vehicle on the intracoastal. A metal toolbox hit my windshield riiiight where my face was and a brick went through the passenger side of my windshield. I was extremely fortunate to walk away with only a few bruises and was even more thankful that the other person involved was in his vehicle at the time. If he wouldn't have been, he would have been dead. It didn't really hit me how lucky I was until Friday when I was at work. I really can't explain how I feel about it... but I know I was "told" something that night.

Mr. Cletus and I are finito. After our talk a couple posts ago, he went to Georgia to spend Easter with his family and I went to Alabama with my mom. The vibe was really great and we had some really really good conversation. Monday, he had a bad day at work so I offered to listen but he didn't really want to talk about it so I left him be. Tuesday and Wednesday we spoke very little. When I texted him that I totaled my car, basically all I got was "That sucks. Glad you're ok." That one kiiiinda stung. Thursday he and I didn't speak at all. Monty came in the bar during karaoke and asked where he was and I kind of awkwardly laughed and said Iiiiii dunnoooo. He asked what I meant and if we were "fussin". I said I don't know, I haven't spoken to him today. Well, Monty apparently brought it up to him at work Friday and he sent me a "Hope you have a good day." I thanked him, wished him a good day, and asked how things were going. He said not to well, he was kind of a basket case but didn't tell me anymore. I honestly forgot about that part of our conversation and after not talking to me anymore, I decided that I was done caring when Mike came in after their little league game and asked if he was avoiding me (because he asked Clete to come to the bar for a beer, he refused, then was seen at the store buying a case.) Well, I'm done with the semi-relationship-ish part of things but I don't like losing a friend. So I sent him a FB message saying that regardless of anything, I'd never think badly of him and that I'd love to maintain a friendship.... no response. So... yeah. Weird, dumb, and just plain strange.

Also that week, Jude told me he didn't want to be my friend anymore. That hurt a bit worse, but I understand completely. I don't really know what else to say about that..

Lauren and I are actually really good, not awkward in the slightest friends. We kind of eased into it. A smoke break at school, a talk in the hall... that kind of thing. Then we went in Max's boat one weekend and it was a little odd but not unbearable. And now it's really nice. We went shopping the other day and are able to be the friends that I think we should have been all along. I went with her to get an inspection sticker from Dee because the tint on her car is illegal and then she took me to get all the crap out of my car. Someone at the bar asked if she was the reason that Clete and I weren't talking... and I speculate that's why Jude suddenly said he didn't think we should text anymore. I don't know... But I'm really glad that we have been able to overcome all the drama and just be normal.

I've applied for a few jobs that I'm actually qualified for... but they're all pretty far away :( With all the stress from job searching and the wreck and the anxiety from graduating, I kind of quit sleeping. It's been after 5AM for a week and a half before I get to sleep. I know it only makes things worse.... well that's it really. I know it makes things worse. And with the not sleeping I quit having an appetite. I still make myself eat, but I'm never hungry. I'm hoping things start to settle in and all this madness becomes more bearable. We'll see I guess...

Burglar!

2011-04-26T02:27:00.002-05:00

Soo, I accidentally stole someone's purse...

When I got to the bar, one of our regular's was waiting on me, along with a vehicle. We joked about Dee getting drunk and needing a ride home the night before and leaving her window down- a lot. He asked if he should reach in, unlock it, and put the window up. I said sure. Well, it was not manual. He said that her purse was on the floor board so I asked him to bring it in and I'd call her and let her know we had it. He did, and I did but she didn't answer. I texted her and asked her to call me when she got a minute.

About an hour and a half later, she called me. I said, "Hey, I have your purse behind the bar." She said, "Noo, you don't." I said, "That's not your car parked outside the bar?!" NOPE! So I ran out to put the purse back aaannnddd, the car was gone. Fuck. Using my mad investigative skills, I found out who it belonged to, but she wasn't listed in the phone book and there are like 500 of her on facebook. Sooo, I found her cell and called her mom who lives in freakin OKLAHOMA and explained to her what happened. Well, the girl still hasn't come to retrieve her purse. I mean, I tried to do the right thing. Our bar IS in the middle of cracktown... But, I feel really bad. I couldn't even find an ID with an address!! I do know she's a registered Choctaw Native American, though. Haha.

Hhhh, I found out last night that the job that I've set my sights on for the past 3 years... I'm over-qualified for :( All you need is to be 18+ and a GED... Back to square flippin one.

Beach :)

2011-04-24T02:20:00.004-05:00

Mom and I had an amazing time on our overnight vacay :) We left home around 7 Friday morning and went to Frank's for breakfast before we hit the road. I'm a terrible passenger. If I'm not driving, I'm sleeping. I tried to stay awake but when I read and/or ride, I get sleepy. I love my book, though (The Catcher in the Rye). About 20 minutes before getting to Orange Beach, mom called a couple hotels. One was booked and one had a busy tone. The first one we actually stopped at, Island House Hotel, we got lucky! We checked in and brought our things up and went across the street for lunch and got some beer at the liquor store next to the restaurant. Then we hit the beach! Yes, I fell asleep there, too :)

We went up to the room around 6:30 and went to dinner and then to Flora-Bama where our friend, Robert, came to meet us. We stayed a couple hours and mom and Robert had my sides hurting I was laughing so hard. We got back to the hotel at about 11 and went to bed.

Mom got up earlier than I did, but at about 7 we went downstairs and had the best breakfast from the cafe. Then, we packed the car and hit the beach. We wore the clothes we were riding home in so we just lounged. It was sooo nice. Some douche bag came and said we were in their chairs because "his name was on the back" even though that's where the little rent-a-chair guy put us. I wish I was as rude as this guy was because I should have been a mega-bitch back to him. But, I wasn't.

We left the beach at 1 and went to lunch and headed back where I slept... pretty much the entire time :/ I hate being the passenger. But it was amazing. When we got to the bar tonight the money was- a disaster. Nothing was right and it seemed like there was a ton of money missing but we ended up finding all but $9. So even though there was some confusion and anxiety, it was good to know that she and I could leave together and things would be alright.

I felt like doing more of those "about me" lists in this blog. So, here goes :)

- I'm addicted to coffee. And my favorite times to drink it are late at night.
- I make THE best coffee at Coffee Call. This is my secret (approximately): 1/6 black coffee, 1/2 hot chocolate, 1/3 cafe au lait. Mmm :)
- I think I'm a pretty positive person (despite what my sisters think). I can find the silver lining in almost any situation, I constantly tell myself that things can ALWAYS be worse, and I can brush things off pretty easily. This is so simply because I don't enjoy being in a bad mood. So I try my damndest to be happy.
- My mom is my best friend. She knows everything about me and I tell her everything that happens.
- I'm SOO unbelievably excited to start the next chapter in my life. I have 2 classes and a final left until graduation :) I hope that once I find a full-time job this "waiting for life to begin" feeling goes away. I feel like the last 5 years hasn't been fully appreciated and enjoyed because I've been waiting for "real life".
- I'm a very open person. If someone cares enough to ask me about anything, no matter how personal, I will tell them. I have no secrets and nothing to hide. And I can appreciate someone's concern or curiosity.
- I think and hope I've figured out how to control my weight obsession. Yes, I am 10 pounds more than I'd like to be. However, it's just a little extra fluff and I can work to lose it. No big deal. I don't and shouldn't obsess. And I shouldn't start to binge because of a treat. A treat is fine... it doesn't mean I have to eat everything just because. That's this week's goal. Enjoy a treat if I want to and know not to overdo it.
- The therapist that I went to said that I'm a people pleaser. IIII never believed that, but after I began distancing myself from Clete because I thought I was annoying him or whatever, I see the truth in it. I'm in my worst moods when I feel I've upset someone in some way. And not just the person that I'm seeing, just- anyone. I take it really hard because it's a character flaw to me.
- I really don't like judgment. Yes, I will laugh at someone if they look like an idiot because it's comical to me, but I don't care if someone is wearing something retarded or acting like an ass. It's their thing and it doesn't affect me in the slightest.
- My greatest joy is happiness; personal or other's. I love to see people truly happy in life. It breaks my heart when people come to the bar because they are just going through the motions of life because they have to. We only live once and we should enjoy it. And if we don't, we have the power to change it. Booze is only a mask... if you're drinking to escape.
- I WILL have hippy hair one day. I just need to get the shit to grow.
- I have one eyebrow that is thinner than the other and a slightly more squinted eye when I smile. And I think it's funny that my thin eyebrow is above my more slanted eye.
- I will die in Nashville.
- At this moment in time, I don't want children... but I hope that changes one day. Their innocence and purity are so beautiful to me.
- I can't touch soap without wetting my hands first. It grosses me out.
- After four years, I finally took my lip ring out. It's time to go on big girl interviews and I want it to be closed up before then. I look so strange without it.
- I'm so grateful for the bar. I have met some of the most amazing people at that place. I literally would have 3 friends if I hadn't worked at the bar for the past 5 years. Kolby, Danny, and Brandi.
- I wish I had the faith that other people do. I really do. I wish that I had a god that I could pray to and grieve to and thank... but I, personally, don't. I attribute the person that I am to my parents and the way they raised me. I got where I am today because of them and hard work. But, I honestly do with that I had faith in something "greater".
- Ending on a lighter note, I quit biting my nails a few years ago, and I love them :)

Gemini

2011-04-21T17:39:00.002-05:00

I think my alter-ego is a Gemini. I over-analyze and try to interpret way too much out of so little. My friend Mia and I were talking about old Cleter the other day and when she asked how it was going I kind of shrugged and told her about what was going through my head. She said she read Steve Harvey's "Straight Talk, No Chaser" and it's basically about how simple men are. So today, my facebook status was "Don't ask the questions you don't truly want the answers to." Almost immediately he texted me asking if I was mad at him. I told him no and just about what was going on in my crazy brain and he told me where he was- which was exponentially better than where I thought. So then I started thinking about what Mia said. Could it really be that simple? When I get scared I put my guard up and back off and he thought that I was the one who was sending bad vibes because I hadn't been texting as much as I had been and I'd been in this stupid rut for- too long. So basically, I need to stay out of my head, take things for what they are, and not try to make a mountain out of a mole hill.

My mom and I are going to the beach in the morning :) We're meeting a friend of ours from the bar, which is kind of weird. Not because we're going to hang out with him but because he wants us to go so we can hang out so he can be away from his wife. I desperately hope I don't end up that way.

:) Looking Up

2011-04-19T17:06:00.003-05:00

Today was pretty great. I had court today to fight my "failing to yield to an emergency vehicle" ticket and since the cop didn't show it was dismissed. But man, I felt like a GENIUS in that courtroom. One girl was in there for having an unlicensed primate!! And some dude in a TapOut shirt said he didn't want a public defender because he couldn't afford it. He was informed that it was free but still said no because it was just his word against hers (the plaintiff). When the judge told him that if he was found guilty he would be facing 6 months in jail and he said, "Well it's just 6 months. I don't have anything else better to do." This fella was a smart-e.

When I got home I went and hung out with Kolby for a while. I miss that boy. No matter how much time goes by between visits we can still just talk and talk. I'm so glad that he and I have remained friends after all this time.

I found myself in a bit of a rut recently. I don't exactly know for certain what's going on with Clete and me. It's all still the same but because nothing "official" is ever talked about I just take it day by day. But I found myself putting off making plans with people just in case he wanted to hang out later. That ain't me. And I decided Sunday that I'm not going to spend my last month of care-free youth time waiting for an invitation to hang out when there's plenty that I could be doing. I'm going to make plans if I want to, like he does, and if I already have plans before he asks to do something, well, he shouldn't have waited so long. I'm not intending to sound bitchy or selfish about the situation, but I have one month left to be a kid. And I want to live it.

Melancholy

2011-04-17T14:29:00.001-05:00

I don't feel like me lately. It's very frustrating. It takes effort to be peppy and bubbly at the bar and it takes effort to just, feel really. I'm in a constant state of numb. I know I should be really excited about everything going on and coming up lately but I'm just blah about it all. Nothing provoked it and I don't know how to get back to being me.

So Frusrating

2011-04-14T07:19:00.004-05:00

I was feeling a bit more overwhelmed yesterday. The therapist/nutritionist I was referred to doesn't take insurance so I'm waiting on another referral. I'm trying to up my calorie count by maintaining my low carb diet but it's SO not that easy. I thought I would get there yesterday but I was still short about 380 calories. I miss working out. I'm not going to do the cardio but I think I'm going to strength train today. This is also the second month in a row that my period is late. I have always been regular (between 29 and 31 days apart) and today is day 45 :( I just did some research and it told me, basically, to chill the fuck out. I don't FEEL super stressed but I know thinking about food and nutrition and exercise every minute that I'm awake should tell me that I'm stressing about it. So today, my goal is to just go with the flow. I hope it works :/

Jess got diagnosed with Type 1 diabetes. I wish it was me. As weird as it sounds, I was always thankful that I was the one that got RAand not anyone else in my family. And this is even more of a motivation to stick to the low carb thing. I want to do this with her and I want her to know she won't be struggling alone. And I found a sugar-free, 2 carbs per serving recipe for turtle cheesecake. I think that'll be this weekend's project :)

Road to Recovery

2011-04-12T14:54:00.005-05:00

I went to meet with a therapist today to talk about my obsessive dieting. I told her about when it started and the state of mind that I get it, about the transitions all across the board that have been going on in 2011, I told her about my work life and my sleep schedule and my regular panic attacks. She basically told me that my anxiety of graduating without having a job is probably what's triggering my need to control my eating/exercise. She said that my inconsistent sleep pattern is keeping my body in a state of anxiety, which is what's causing my fat stores to stay put and my panic attacks to occur. She gave me the number of a therapist who is also a nutritionist who she says she'd send her family to. I'm really excited to get this ball rolling aaand, that's where I am right now.

Progress

2011-04-11T09:34:00.002-05:00

I'm so excited (my blogs seem to be getting bipolar)! I started eating cereal again for breakfast because I was sick to death of eggs. Yesterday I went to target to look at some other kinds and man, I just couldn't bring myself to buy any. The carbs are ridicaloo! So I was looking online for a good, cold breakfast and someone said they chop up almonds and mix it with butter. Thaaat needs some tweeking. Instead of butter, this morning I added yogurt. It was decent, but it still wasn't "it". Then my mom suggested honey. Bingo! It is soo yummy. I have found my new breakfast. I just need to remember to bring my raspberries home from the bar to make it perfect-o.

Ooo and last night I went to Wal Mart and was looking at some Atkins breakfast bars because I wanted to be prepared in case my almond concoction was a disaster and I found some caramel crunch dessert snack bars with 4 grams of carbs :) I'm very excited to crave one but my sweet tooth has finally gone away. Praise Jebus.

:(

2011-04-08T09:32:00.000-05:00

I'm frustrated. It doesn't matter why...

Here Goes...

2011-04-05T23:27:00.002-05:00

When I got to the bar tonight I told my mom that I wanted to see a dietician... if our insurance covered it. I also told her why. I'm sick of fighting with myself about food every second that I'm awake. I'm suck of punishing myself for indulging every now and then. I'm sick of not being able to indulge "every now and then" without bingeing. I'm sick of not being able to enjoy food. I know it's ridiculous. I know. I know. But, if I could be rid of this manic obsession I would do it in a second.

I'm laying it all out the way it is because it's easier for me to deal with than keeping it bottled up. When I was in high school, Jennifer gave me a journal for Christmas with some very inspiring words in it basically saying to release it on the paper if that's the only way. This was after I was outted. Well, I did that and it helped some. But sending it out into the world is a huge weight off; even if no one ever reads it, it's out there.

I am twenty seven minutes from a new day. I'm going to make tomorrow a great day. However, in order to do that I have to plan ahead. The cycle doesn't end but it's easier to plan ahead of time than to get stuck in the middle of the day, hungry, with nothing but fast food restaurants surrounding me. So, off I go.

Stoooopid

2011-04-05T07:24:00.002-05:00

I've been getting pretty frustrated lately. First off, I haven't weighed this much in a few months and it's dumb. And second, I'm trying to figure out my ideal "diet". I have put the core principals of a few different diets together and I like it... but I am so fucking sick of eating this breakfast. Egg beaters, some type of protein, broccoli. I don't think I can do it anymore. It's way too hearty and filling for me. I liked my old lucky charm breakfast every morning. And yesterday I say that someone bought some honey, almond, and flax go lean crunch so I'm going to try that tomorrow. I can't eat this much first thing in the morning anymore.

I still like the low carb thing. I haven't really cared that I gave up potatoes or rice or pasta or anything like that. I want to get to a place I enjoy. I don't want to limit myself so much that I hate it. I just want to make the right choices... but if I want a cookie, I want to be okay with eating a damn cooking. But the "being okay with it" is a lot easier said than done for me.

I struggled a bit this weekend. Saturday all I ate was a hamburger patty and Sunday I didn't eat until about 8 and it's only because I made myself. I hate getting in that state of mind and I hate the power that my mind has over me. I know the effects of not eating not only on my body and metabolism but my heart and my overall wellness. I know all that. But all logic goes out the window. I literally found myself making a mental pro/con list about eating or not eating. It's disgusting.

What's probably just as crazy, if not more, is that at Coffee Call yesterday, I ate an order of beignets just to "show those wanna-be anorexic thoughts who's boss". (Yes, I do know how crazy that sounds).

Sooo, I'm trying to find my healthiest place with a little trial and error. I'm okay with everything I'm doing except this breakfast so I'll start this new one tomorrow.

Limbo

2011-03-24T07:36:00.004-05:00

I had a conversation at the bar the other night with my mom. She expressed concern over me and Clete. She asked if I was more infatuated with him than he is of me. She told me she's seen me happier. She asked how I would react if he picked up and left to go back to Georgia. And she asked me if I would let him interfere with my career "plans" and Nashville dreams.

I told her that she may think she's seen me happier because I was exponentially more secure- in general. I mean, I'm about to graduate and don't know what I'm going to go. I was in a very committed relationship and had that security whereas now, I'm seeing this person who detests his job and could potentially pick up and leave at any moment. And because of that, I can't really let my guard down with him. I've been a bit more reserved since he got back from GA Sunday because I do need to protect myself. However, I don't want to be too guarded. Ugh, it's dumb. I'm not unhappy... just insecure. I try to stay on the happier side of the line but I don't typically do well with the unknown. And if he did pick up and leave, I wouldn't be the type of person to say, "Woe is me, he left, boo hoo." I'd be extremely happy that he decided not to settle for the money that his job brings and pursue being truly happy. I could never ask or expect anyone to stay here and be miserable, not only for my sake but anyone or anything's sake, when there is so much more out there that can would make him happy. And as far as my goals are concerned... I have no plans. I'm going to go where opportunity calls, if it's worth it. I'd like to stay home for a while and pay some things off but if a great opportunity comes a knockin from Nashville or wherever... why not?

Basically, I'm not unhappy. I'm in an extremely transitional place in my life right now and it's scary... but exciting.

Goodbye, Yum

2011-03-24T06:37:00.002-05:00

HOOOOLY CRAP!!!!! At 1,250 calories and 163 grams of carbs, I will definitely be more mindful about going to Chili's for a slice of paradise pie at 9 PM!! That. is. CRAZY!!!

Complacent?

2011-03-21T08:51:00.002-05:00

There's nothing I hate more than a FACKIN fever blister :( This is probably the worst one I've ever had, too.

So, I'm sorry this nutrition thing is all I seem to blog about lately, but it's what's been going on. I've realized that since I've started this low(er) carb/high protein regimen, I've been in a pretty negative mood. So I did some research and it said it can last about a week while your body adjusts. It's because carbs release seratonin or something? I don't know. But I have been trying to force myself to be pleasant. So yesterday I bought some macadamia nut cookies :) And at 17g of carbs PER cookie, I have to take it easy. Haha.

Clete got back from Georgia last night. We had a conversation a couple hours before he got in that was- I don't know. He was SO happy to go home. And he was trying the best he could to sound excited to come back but I could tell he wasn't. And I told him that for me, mediocrity is my biggest fear. And he said that he doesn't dread being here. His career is great and everything else he just misses his family. But it seems like when he's here, he's jut going through the motions. Wake up, work, bed. Wake up, work, drink, bed. I don't know. I wouldn't enjoy that... but, whatever.

OO, I was on the usajobs.gov website yesterday and there's an import specialist position available in New Orleans :)) I filled out the questionaire thing and I need to fax them my resume and transcript from school to officially apply. I'm so excited. And nervous :/ I'm ready to make real money. I would honestly take the security position that I was offered at Exxon right now... making bank. I hope Troy hasn't forgotten about me. Haha.

Jamie hasn't really spoken to me since the whole OJ debacle. Just because I can't stand him doesn't mean that I don't love her. I enjoyed getting a bit closer to her than we used to be and now it's like we're back to square one :(

Well, time to go get my stuff done before work. Busy day!

I Feel Better Now

2011-03-16T09:03:00.003-05:00

Well now that I'm in a better mood, enjoying my post-run/pre-work cup of joe, I am now capable of blogging about other things. I need suggestions on how to avoid calf cramps. Today is day two and they drastically slow my roll. Clete recommended bananas because there appears to be a lack of potassium. Jennifer, confirmation please? :)

I can't wait to go babysit Eli. I hope he likes me then. Haha. Jenn, is he ever in a stroller? Does he enjoy it? Because I still want to stick to my routine when I'm up there. And don't let me over-indulge on chili!! :) Everyone thinks I'm obsessing over this diet/workout stuff. Truth be told, I've always been too afraid to exercise because I feared I would fall back in to that high school mindset I was in. For the first time ever, I don't care what the scale reads. I like how it feels to eat heathy things and I like how it feels after I finish my run or workout. So :p

Clete found out yesterday he has to go to Georgia tomorrow for his job. He hasn't been home home (like to his house) since Christmas. And to actually be paid- way extra- to go, he's so excited. But it's going to be a loooong weekend in Plaquemine. I'm already trying to think of things to fill my time.

On a final note, I hope that one day when I decide to have children they are as beautiful, healthy, and (mostly) happy as my nieces and nephews are.

I Don't Think I'm Out of Line

2011-03-16T07:04:00.002-05:00

I, personally, don't think I'm a completely irrational or erratic person. Am I out of line for being upset that my father STILL has the nerve to take up for OJ- to me?! He has never, not once, taken my side, or even acknowledged the fact that how he approached me and what he screamed at me was in the slightest bit inappropriate. He said it was my fault because I "put my nose where it didn't belong." SERIOUSLY dude?!

Sunday afternoon I was working at the bar and he and a friend- I guess- of his walked in. At the other side of the bar, I walked over to Val and said, calmly and quietly, "Val, can you do me a favor? Can you serve him, please?" He then says, "Nah fuck it. Shove it up your ass, " to which I reply, "Fuck you, douche." He storms out and immediately calls Jamie and my father. Okay, calling your wife, I get. Calling my father.... is pretty stupid... not that I expect any more from him. Well Monday when my dad got settled in to the bar, I asked if I could talk to him. I said, calmly, "While my only witness is in here and can vouch for me, I want to tell you my side of the story." He played dumb like he didn't know what I was talking about. But I told him, and he got pissed at me again.

Last night, Tuesday, we got in a huge fight at the bar; just being belligerent and yelling and my last comment before breaking down was, "When you take up for a mother fucker instead of your fucking daughter, I get FUCKING PISSED!!" And I don't think I'm out of line for it. I'm sorry, I don't give a fuck who it is, if I see a complete stranger do what he did to me and say what he said to me, I would think it was fucked up, too! It's not just because it was personal.

I don't think I would have gotten aaaasss pissed if he hadn't lied, again. He told Jamie and my dad that I started screaming and causing a big scene when he walked in. Of the 7 other people in the bar, 4 of them were completely oblivious to what went on. The other 3 were directly in front of me. My dad says his money is green and I shouldn't turn away business. I DIDN'T!! I asked Val to serve that asshole!

I can overlook and brush off a lot of things. But not taking up for your own daughter, I can't.

Bikini Season Already :/

2011-03-14T06:43:00.004-05:00

This weekend was pretty enjoyable. Friday night, Clete and I met Jessica, Nick, Brandi, and Mike at The Little Village downtown. It was- less than stellar. The waiter was a douche. The food, what we were allowed to eat of it, was mediocre. But the drinks were strong and the company was great :)

After dinner we all went to the Roux House because they had an outdoor section that would allow for pregnant Brandi not to get smoked out. Mike, Clete and I were all really drunk. But Mike is a very mellow, cool drunk. I'm a very obnoxious drunk. I'm pretty sure I fell at some point because I have a cut on my left ankle and my right knee. Oh well. Nick was an amazing brother in law and came to pick us up so we wouldn't have to take 3 cab rides (Clete's keys were locked in my car, Jessica had my keys, and he had to work in the morning). On top of that, I got a parking ticket the next morning... a bad one.

Saturday, despite feeling like death, I had to go to a meeting for the bar. Quick, easy, and painless. And for some reason I'm much harder on myself if I'm hungover. It's like I have to punish myself. So after my mom and I went to get my car, I went running (ouch!), cleaned my room, attempted to do laundry in our wack ass washing machine, and worked out at home. Then I got bored... When I get bored and have to go to work later, if I sit at home I get in a very anti-social mood. So I went shopping! I got 3 new nail polishes and some makeup. Good thing, too, because I left my makeup bag at Jessica's Friday. Theeeen I went to Clete's until I went to work.

At work, I was bored. But I had to bring Doobie home at 11 and my mom said I didn't have to come back. Yesss!

Sunday, I took Kali, Sara, and Kali's friend Chandler to church and Jamie and Alissa came too. They behaved 80% better than the time before. As we were walking out, Sara told the pastor, "You did real good on stage!" I almost died. Then I brought the kids for a snowball, picked up some stuff from home, and headed to the bar. When I got off, I went to watch Paranormal Activity. I, personally, thought it was hilarious. And good thing, too, because normally that kind of shit scares me. I only had one bad dream! And I can handle that.

I started my very strict, 1300 calorie a day low carb/high protein diet yesterday. And I actually feel like I'm eating more than usual but I've researched a lot all weekend and I know that it's necessary. Basically, I'll have 3/4 cup of shakeable eggs and two slices of turkey bacon for breakfast. And I think I'm supposed to ear a serving of fruit too. So probably 1/4 cup of blackberries or raspberries. 1/4 cup of dry, roasted almonds for a snack. About half of a chicken breast (that I burnt to death yesterday), about 3 tablespoons of brown rice (that I undercooked yesterday), and some broccoli. Snack two will probably be celery with almond butter. And dinner will be a salad with the other half of a chicken breast or salmon. Or a turkey burger pita.

Well now that the sun looks like it's tryyyying to come up, I'm going to go get ready for my jog. I just hope I can stay away from those bloody almond snickers. THAT is difficult.

Focus!

2011-03-10T09:20:00.004-06:00

So I was getting kind of down on myself for a bit. I ate like total crap when I was on my period and gained ten pounds and I started eating basically carrots and celery and it still wouldn't go away. However, yesterday I realized that my saddle bags were significantly (to me) smaller and much more (to me) muscular than they were. And I'm okay with that! So last night mom, Jessica, and I went to Chili's to indulge in heavenly, sugary desserts. And two for one margaritas! Well, okay I indulged in the margaritas. But it was still yummy.

My entire freaking body hurts. I'm not kidding. I did 20 minutes of a Jillian Michaels video and holy hell I still feel it two days later!! My run this morning was rough. But I loooove the burn. It's very difficult for me to not focus on the scale. It's always been an obsession of mine and to try to focus more on muscle mass than numbers is difficult. But I know I've been making pretty healthy decisions so I just need to stay focussed on that.

I still love waking up early :) Last night I went to bed at about 10:30 and woke up at 6. I get so much more done throughout the day.

I need to go to Nana's to print out my assignment that's due today because my teacher is apparently anti-apple and I can never open her documents. I think she's anti-email, too because I emailed her two days ago and she still hasn't gotten back to me. Grrr.

Blowg

2011-03-09T09:01:00.003-06:00

Man, I'm so tired and- probably still drunk. The crazy shit that's processing in my head right now is making me laugh like a crazy psychiatric patient; especially because I'm home by myself. Blowg.

Last night was pretty fun. I went to work and it was extremely slow. So, to make it more fun, I decided to come up with a new drink. I named it "The Courtney" because a guy that came in asked what my name was and he, too, thought I said Courtney. Anywho, the drink was bacardi lemon, raspberry liquor, sweet and sour, sprite zero, and a lemon. Mmmm mmm it was yum. Too yum. And I'm paying for it today. I was lucky enough to meet two people yesterday at the bar, Justin and Bradley. They were both from out of town but one was implanted. Haha, his words not mine.

I've been working to not be so stressed out lately. The way I figure it, if it's not going to kill you, your family, or your friends, you won't lose your job over it, it won't negatively impact your health, then who gives a fuck? It's not that big a deal! But yesterday, at work, there were two people in there who got my blood pressure a boilin. I don't know why, they're just infuriating to talk to. So I had my adult beverages to calm me down.

I'm getting kind of nervous. I'm two months away from graduation and still don't have a job lined up. I know it's still probably too soon, but I want to be prepared.

I'm excited for Friday! Jessica suggested that Clete and I go out to dinner with her and Nicholi and they both said they were in. So we're doubling :) Lame, but I think it'll be fun!

Alissa was so cute this morning. She loved me :) She was giggling and yapping.

Ooo my wanna-be abs hurt. Jillian Michaels kicked my assss yesterday. I could only do like half of the workout video. Oo ee it was painful.

Hm, I'm out of shtuff. I guess I'll go to work early.

Pretty Boring

2011-03-07T07:14:00.003-06:00

I can't believe it's been so long since I've blogged! It seems like- well, not that long ago. Well, I'm back to wanting to blow up my school. The every-fabulous Office of Financial Aid decided to fuck me again. Every semester, three fucking years in a row. But I'm almost done. But, this event single-handedly made me not even want to attempt grad school at Vanderbilt. But I do want a sweatshirt from there :) I told my mom I'm taking her to Nashville this summer with me. I can't flippin wait. I'd rather go to Nashville than go on a cruise. Is that weird?

I ordered my cap and gown a couple weeks ago! Now I need to order my class ring. Dammit. Wow, I just checked and I made an A on my lit midterm. My teacher must have been feeling generous!

Que d'autre? Things with the mister are going pretty well. I'm still very insecure and scared... but I guess that's to be expected. Someone asked me at the bar if he was my boyfriend and I made one of those uncomfortable faces but he interjected yes... but he was drunk and talks crazy when he drinks so I don't know if that is reliable information. Haha. He is going to be on Nick's Relay for Life team with me though so I'm kind of excited about that :)

I'm so not good at wasting time. I got up at about 5:45 this morning, went to Walmart, came home, made coffee, ate breakfast, caught up on the days of facebook I've been neglecting, checked my email and grades, and it's STILL not time to go run. And I HAAAVE to go today. Last week was "that" week and I had zero energy to do much of anything except eat everything in sight. Literally. I'm talking cheesecake, almond snickers, chips, cookies (which I never eat store-bought), fast food, etc. I prooobably gained 10 pounds. It's so bad I'm afraid to even weigh myself. Haha. So this week is going to be like boot camp for me. No indulgences.

23 Will Be Amazing

2011-02-21T01:38:00.003-06:00

So to start off, (from my last post) I think I decided that someone put something in my drink Wednesday night. There's no freaking way that I should have blacked out and gotten sick on two white russians. I ain't buyin that. My drink was left unattended for about 15 minutes when I was outside talking to my mom and... I think someone put something in it.

On a lighter note, I had the best birthday ever!! My parents, Jessica, Nick, Grant, Jamie, Kali, Sara, Alissa, Tricia, Michelle, Miranda, Maddie, Justin, Peter, Mike, Clete and I all went to Portabello's. On the way there, my parents, Clete and I rode together and my dad was a tad obnoxious. We took the old bridge and he didn't like it and made it very well-known. And when we got there he sat at the bar and watched the LSU blowout by himself. But, dinner was delicious and we all had some cocktails and had a blast.

Nick drove Mike, Clete and me downtown and we met up with Jessica and Maddie. We started out at the Roux House. The band was mediocre so we sat outside most of the time. Maddie, Jess, and I went in to listen to a few songs though :) The boys were hitting the patron pretty hard but I was sticking to beer. Maddie only had one drink all night and Jess didn't drink at all.

When the Roux House got old, we made our way across the street to Happy's! I loove it there. The boys had more shots and I had my beer and we were joking and dancing and... man, it was fun.

After that, we went by Boudreaux and Thibideaux (sp?). The sound guy over there plays at Chuck's sometimes so I took a drunk picture with him and we talked a bit. I did take a shot with the guys over there. GROSS! We were dancing to the band over there but I don't remember too much. Haha.

We left there and went to Puncher's, which Nick called Donkey Puncher's. They have the BEST bellini's EVER!! God, I still want another one. My current favorite song is called "Fuck You" by Cee Lo Green and I danced with a group of brothas and they were laughing at my enthusiasm. I went to dance with Nick to something and noticed his fist was all jacked up. When Jessica noticed, they- along with Maddie- left. But that didn't mean our party was over! We went back to Boudreaux and Thib until the bar closed. That's all a bit fuzzy. Haha. Before we came back to Addis, we stopped at Schlitz and Giggles. I got the three of us each a piece of pizza. Clete fell asleep. Mike was- struggling. And I asked Mike how we get a taxi, to which he replied, "When you see one pass by, jump in front of that motha fucka." Lol. It truly was an amazing night. If I could relive it every day, I would. Gladly :)

I Swear I'm Not a Drunk

2011-02-17T17:36:00.002-06:00

Well, last night turned in to another drunk Wednesday. I woke up to "Oh fuck!! You scared the shit out of me!" I looked up and Clete was coming in to the bathroom where I apparently spent the night. Not. So. Classy.

While I was at school he told me that I threw up. Unknowing, I asked him two questions: Did I make it in the toilet and did I flush. He told me that I did make it completely in the toilet but I didn't flush. GROSS!! My next question was whether I slept on the floor in in the toilet. He told me the floor. I felt a tad better about that answer.

I only drank two white russians but I forgot to eat dinner. I swear I didn't forget on purpose!

I also told my mom my one secret :( I never wanted her to know but I am glad she now knows everything about me.

I went to school and reading my English book literally made me nauseous. But I suffered through. And I ordered my cap and gown for graduation :) It's all so exciting. No more drinking for me for a while. Well, minus Friday :)

LOVE Waking Up Early

2011-02-16T00:50:00.002-06:00

I will start this post by saying, no, I am not a slore! Now that we've got that covered...

Clete got back from Georgia yesterday and after work I went to his apartment to watch a movie. He was so exhausted, though, we just watched tv- Pawn Stars, some food show, Family Guy, etc. Well, he fell asleep and I was watching Larry the Cable Guy's "Only in America". Now, I know that Larry is a well-educated man and that whole thing is all an act. But I was cracking the shit up! After that ended, I fell asleep watching something else about pawning shit on the history channel. Clete wakes up at 6 AM to go to work. He said I was welcome to sleep in but I wanted to go get a run in while it was still cool outside. Yesterday was a beast!

I went home and ate my Lucky Charms because the girl's yogurt- which they ate on Sunday- was expired. My mom got up and I was talking to her about her and my dad's trip to Texas de Brasil the night before. She said it was phenomenal!

After that, I stretched and went for my run. MUCH better than yesterday. I still looked a hot mess, but it was exponentially better than Monday's 2 PM run. When I got home, Giant- my friend that stays at the house when he's too tired or drunk to drive an hour home- was getting up to go to work. My mom and I were talking to him for a bit and I stretched again. Man my ass hurts from that shit. I took a bath and got all ready for school and almost forgot my grapes and pretzels... but I remembered them :) When I got to campus, I was an hour early so I went to pay my graduation application fee and got my heavenly venti coffee with 2% milk and a shot of caramel and it was soooo yum!

After my boring class, I stopped by the mall. My parents asked me to get some good running shoes because of my arthritic ankle, even though it's feeling better by the day. But whatever eases their minds, I'll do it. I told the lady at Lady Foot Locker that I've been running 3k every day and told her about my calcium deposits and RA and all that and she brought me 3 pairs to try. Of the three, I had my preference but I asked her opinion. She agreed that the ones I chose were the best- even though I didn't tell her which I liked. Those bitches, along with the insoles, cost fucking $210!! But, they feel like clouds :) I also got a few shirts, a pair of aviators that don't look completely ridiculous on me (for once), a gaudy kind of ring, and an additional "fuck off" ring (so that I can tell people that I'm married).

After the mall I stopped by whole foods to get some yogurt, granola, raspberries, and blackberries. YUCK!!! That yogurt was disgusting!! But I'm going to go tomorrow and get a new kind and hopefully it works out better.

When I got home I wanted to air up my mom's bike tires and peddle the 7 miles to Jessica's house but it was a tad too late and I needed to actually apply for graduation and get some reading in. I felt so accomplished today! I absolutely love waking up early and taking healthy steps to healthier living! And I'm doing it all again tomorrow :)

Many New Beginnings

2011-02-13T17:58:00.003-06:00

Well well well. I have decided that I'm starting a new chapter of my life in many ways so I'm going to make some changes. For starters, I started jogging yesterday!! My butt hurts like a mother but I sucked it up and brought Kali along with me today. I am soo terribly out of shape. Yesterday I could only run 1/8 of a mile at a time but today I did 1/4. It's fun :) And Bubba and I are going to play tennis together a few times a week (if he doesn't stand me up) and I'm going to start riding a bike. I think it's the perfect time to get healthy. About freakin time. I'm also going to quit smoking on Saturday- which is my birthday! I figured 5 years is long enough. It's time to quit :) Aaand Kali and I are going to start going to church together every week. I'm definitely not "there" yet but she really enjoys it and I feel good when I go. So a start is a start I suppose!

Will You Let Me Down Easy?

2011-02-11T17:44:00.003-06:00

Well, lots have been going on lately. My parents have been out of town dealing with the death of my grandmother. The death was hard enough but now the property issue is even worse. I still don't know what's going to happen but my aunts all need to calm down.

I've been feeling like a regular old working soccer mom lately. I've been handling everything at the bar and helping out with Kali and Sara. It's incredible how much I love those kids. They make every pain and worry and grievance disappear completely. They got upset with me today because I promised them a couple of days ago that they could sleep over with me tonight and I was going to bring them to see Gmomeo and Juliette. Well, now I have to work tonight so our plans were postponed :( Their sad little faces broke my heart. But I'm hoping I can at least take them to the movie tomorrow and then go pick up Granny and Pawpaw from the airport :)

Jude and I are no longer together. This time it really is for good. I'm not going to be the OJ of their family. None of his siblings, except maaaaaaybe Mark, like me and I don't think it's right to just be tolerated. I'm not saying they don't have every reason to feel the way they do but I can't handle it. I think he and I were trying to fix something that was so severely broken it would never work. And I don't think it's fair to go through every day thinking about unpleasant things. So, I wish the very best for him and that is that.

After thaaaat all went down, Clete and I started hanging out and watching our massive movie list. He is... divine. He is such a gentleman. He's kind and considerate and fair. He's very very pretty :) He's incredibly smart and hilarious. He reminds me of Nick at times. They have the same humor. He is the easiest person to talk to and we're very comfortable around each other. It's never been awkward, to me anyway. And my parents really like him... which is very important to me. It's so terrifying though. I find myself getting too attached too soon. I never had my guard up with him so I'm very vulnerable and I'm soo not used to being vulnerable. But I know it's worth the risk. Whether it develops into anything or not, I feel very fortunate to have had the opportunity to get to know him. Jennifer and Jessica have already bombarded me with questions about him and he thought it was funny and wanted them to know if they needed any more info they can't find him on facebook. Haha. I'm hooooping he's going to come to my birthday dinner this Friday and Jessica and Nick want to come meet him. Wierdos.

Other than that though, everything's been same old same old. I have to go get ready for the shift I wasn't supposed to work. Au revoir!

Adjourned

2011-02-11T06:45:00.000-06:00

I love you crazy
It comes so easy, after all we had
I could love you with all my heart
But the hardest part is
I just can't love you back.

I can love you for all I'm worth
To the ends of the earth
But I just can't love you back.

Fuck Rich Assholes

2011-01-24T23:21:00.003-06:00

Ooook, I'm getting really sick of being talked about. Friday night I was working at the bar and I was talking to Michelle and Walter. Walter asked me what I wanted to do when I graduated. I said I want to work in a federal department in my field, I want to work really hard and go home thinking about my work and I want to get my hands dirty. I don't want to sit at a desk. I can't be a secretary. He told me that one person can't change the world. I told him as much as I'd love to change things, I just want to do something that means something to me and I want to be proud of what I do. He said, well what if you came to be my secretary (for his business) and he'd finance me "the" (Addis) cafe. I said, "Ain't gonna happen." Looking kind of taken aback, he asked why. I told him that I didn't want to be a secretary; I want to get involved with things and solve problems and really just get my hands dirty. I told him I truly appreciated the offer but I couldn't accept. I didn't go to school for 5 years to do what I was doing as a 16 year old when I used to work for him. I was kind of offended by that conversation and went to another area of the bar to talk to my friend Clete.

On Saturday, Michelle and Walter went to hear a band in Baton Rouge and then came in to Chuck's. She and Miranda both came and told me that Walter told Michelle that Clete said that he and I slept together. I. Was. Shocked. I was like, one, NO! And two, until a week before, not only had I not even hugged this person but I never spoke to him about more than what he wanted to drink, two bands, and sports. Michelle told me that Walter couldn't remember if it was that "he hit that" or "he wanted to hit that." I didn't believe any of this for a number of reasons: 1. In the short time that he and I had been becoming friends, he has never said anything disrespectful about anyone... Walter has. 2. He has never given me any reason to believe that he is a liar. We had actually just had a conversation about how lying is disrespectful and we don't lie... Walter-- has lied several times. 3. Why would a 23 year old tell a 61 year old who he's had sex with or wanted to have sex with and why would a 61 year old remember enough to repeat it? Two days before he didn't remember his son talking shit about his girlfriend in the bar in front of Michelle!! Etc., etc., etc...

I wasn't really worried about it though. I'm pretty good at brushing rumors off because it's a lie. But after thinking about it and seeing how LIVID my mother got when she was told, I got pretty pissed too. I don't care what anyone says about me, but when you bring an innocent person into it your issues with me, I have a problem. I think I offended him when I turned down his job offer and because I went over and started talking to Clete, he seemed like an easy target.

When I got home from work, I emailed Clete about what was going on. I basically told him I wasn't accusing him of anything or asking him to defend himself, but this is what is going on and I wouldn't be comfortable with him hearing it from anyone but me when we were the two parties addressed. He thanked me for not jumping to conclusions and said he knew how easy it could be to hear something and run with it. He figured Walter saw us talking and maybe wanted to drive a wedge between our friendship. I don't know what his motive was, but I was still okay with kind of brushing it off. My mom told me that he controls situations with his words and if I don't try to put a stop to it now, if he doesn't see a reaction now, he'll say something else.

Walter is going through some personal/professional things of his own and I promised Michelle I would wait until about Wednesday to mention it to him. Well... things are getting deeper...

Tricia was working at the bar tonight and Walter was in there talking to Michelle. He said that he "just didn't trust me" and that I say 'fuck' too much and a lady shouldn't speak that way and that I really don't work that hard. Okay, now you're getting into some serious, slanderous shit. Mother FUCKER, if you don't trust me, why would you offer me the same job that you just had to fire your best friend for for stealing from you?? Why would you say that you offered me that job because you honestly believed I would never steal from you and I would do a good job handling your business? And no, on slow nights at the bar I really don't have to work that hard. But I work two jobs, seven days a week, and go to school. And I'm sorry I am not from your generation and women now say FUCK!!!

I have a bigger problem with him saying he doesn't trust me than anything else--- although I am more pissed that an innocent person was brought into this shit. If he tells enough people he doesn't trust me, people will start to believe him. I am completely honest. He tried giving me a $13 dollar tip Friday night- before the job thing- and I told him serving him one drink doesn't warrant a tip of that quantity. Give me a fucking break! AND, it wasn't a month ago that he was having some issues with one of his children and IIIIII gave him advice on what he could do legally to get done what he wanted to get done. The very next Monday he went to his lawyer and it all worked out. You're really going to try and sabotage my reputation? Thanks a lot, Walter Cain. You really are the miserable asshole that everyone knows you to be.

Stuuuuff

2011-01-24T21:54:00.003-06:00

Well, when I have nothing in particular to blog about, I think it's fun to just reveal some random things about myself. So, here goes:

- I am kiiiind of mildly afraid of the dark. Once the tv goes off, my eyes don't open without a flashlight.
- Some of my most stressful days are the ones leading up to a hair appointment.
- I became absolutely addicted to the idiots of Jersey Shore a week and a half ago.
- I get a large half sweet/half unsweet tea from McDonald's at least once a day. It the best thing a buck can buy.
- I have about 15 bottles of perfume but never remember to put any on.
- I hate walking bare-footed. 99% of the time when I'm at home I'm wearing slippers.
- I'm afraid to work out because I think it would lead to a crash diet.
- Everyone I talk to in person, I look at their eyes... but I have no idea what their eye color is.
- I can't say my own name. When I introduce myself to people, most of them think I'm saying Courtney.
- I can't sleep on a couch. It makes my lungs feel weird.
- If it weren't for texting, I wouldn't own a cell phone.
- My left blinker just decided it wanted to be on steroids and now blinks twice as fast as the right.

My Wish

2011-01-22T03:52:00.004-06:00

At the bar tonight I was talking to Michelle and Clete. Michelle has long been a best friend of mind and, as of late, Clete has quickly become one as well. We were talking tonight about our struggles in high school. Michelle struggled with acne and Clete was the chubby kid. I battled with food issues. They both had to endure the pain of their best friends committing suicide. Toward the end of the conversation we all wished something. Michelle wished and prayed during her pregnancy that her child never have to endure the pain of having severe acne and having to put on makeup at sleep-overs before anyone woke up. Clete wished that no one would ever have to be the one to tell their best friend's parents that their child was dead. And I wished that my nieces, nephews, or children would ever have to feel the need to battle anorexia/ bulemia/ or suicide.

The other day Kali stayed home from school and asked for a "healthy" snack. I have heard too many times that she eats a lot for a child and other things of that nature. I know how I interpreted those kinds of comments as a child and I don't want her to ever think that she has to resort to such extreme measures as some do to stop those comments. It broke my heart for her to specifically request a healthy snack. While it would make some proud for her to pick an orange over a couple of pretzels, it only convinces me more that she is internalizing the comments that people think she isn't hearing. This child has endured so much in her short life, the last thing she needs to feel is that she is fat. From experience, I know that even the most benign comments can be internalized in negative ways. I remember as a child- probably about age 11- my dad carrying me inside from a road trip late at night when I was sleeping and saying that I was getting too heavy. I didn't think that at age 11 I didn't need to be carried inside by my father, but that I weighed too much for his 48 year old self to handle. I don't want her to ever interpret minor comments as comments against her self-esteem. If I would pray for anything, it would be for her innocence and self-esteem.

Please be mindful of what you say to an adolescent. What you say is not always what is heard. Be as gentle and kind as if it were the most delicate of flowers. I don't know if I could live to see a child grow up feeling what I felt.

I'm not saying my case was as severe as--- Tracy Gold. But a struggle is a struggle and the toll that it takes on one's psychy is just as severe. Protect a child's innocence while you can.

I Am Not A Carpenter... But Dad Is Mr. Fix-It

2011-01-17T23:53:00.004-06:00

So... I forgot what I wanted to blog about in the time it took to sign in to my account....

Well, I guess I can start with, dreadful school starts tomorrow. And it's a good god damn thing I'm only taking one class. I just looked at the syllabus and wow. It's HORRIBLE!!! I would not be able to take an English class while taking any more. It is really intense! I hope she cancels as many classes as she did a year ago. That would be- ideal.

OH! At the beginning of last semester my mom and I were at target and they had a back to school sale. They had a bookshelf on sale for $15. So, I bought one! Since I finished rearranging my room I decided it was time to put this thing together (5 months later). Jude agreed to help me so after we ate dinner, we (attempted) to get started.

We laid all the pieces and screws out and I got my little toolbox and we were ready to roll. Well, 4 pieces looked exactly the same. So I looked in the instruction manual and figured out the difference between the top and bottom pieces and the shelves... or so I thought. When it was time to screw the frame together, we realized that the screws were flat on the ends and there were no pre-drilled holes.... and the instructions said no drill required! So we were tring to drill a flat thing in to a non-hole. It wasn't working so I called my dad and Uncle Wayne in to help. My dad, shit-talking the whole time about how it was a piece of shit, never buy furniture made out of... well I forgot the word but not real wood, and if I would have told him I wanted a shelf he would have gotten me one... ended up drilling some holes and getting the frame all put together and then he said we (Jude and me) were morons and asked how many years of college we had combined.... we were trying to use the shelves for the top and bottom pieces. Haha, whoops! He ended up faking a laugh and Jude and I finished what little there was left to do and even managed to mess that up. Haha. I nailed the back on crooked and had to cut it with a razor blade. But, the shelf is as sturdy as $15 can buy and I think it rocks :) And I told my dad for father's day if I have a job he's going to get an amazing gift. 0:)

Wonderful Weekend

2011-01-17T02:21:00.003-06:00

So this weekend was pretty fantastic. Friday I (finally) sucked it up and went to get a haircut from someone who knows what they're doing... Peter did an amazing job and he left my hair longer than both of us thought would be possible. After my hair appointment, I had to get ready for date night. Jude and I made plans to go have dinner at Olive Garden and then go downtown to Happy's for a couple beers.

Olive Garden was--- dreadful. There was an hour wait, but we decided we could live with that. We ended up nabbing a couple seats at the bar. Well, the bartenders took our drink orders but not our food orders and we were there for a really long time. We were going to give them 5 more minutes before we bailed but our buzzed ended up going off... but not before I got hit in the head with a serving tray. It wasn't too bad and the guy was very apologetic.

So we got sat at our table and things were really crammed in the entire room. We already knew what we wanted to order because we wanted to order at the bar, so as soon as our waiter came and mumbled what we wanted to drink, he took our order. Our food took forever to come out and after other tables who were sat after us. But, the food wasn't bad so it was whatever.

It took us a little bit to finally find happy's. We grabbed a couple of beers and sat at a table and ended up played the megatouch games. After my one beer and Jude's two, we decided we weren't very entertaining by ourselves so we went to Raisin' Cane's to get a tea for the ride home :)

Saturday wasn't the best at the beginning of the day so I decided to treat myself to some Hooter's :) I ordered it togo and ate in the parking lot but it was magnifique! For dinner, my mom made fried fish because my Uncle Wayne and his girlfriend Kathy came in to town. They came to the bar that night and since we were kind of slow, Dee let me hang out with ma famiglia. We all had a few to drink and were dancing and cutting up and had a lot of fun.

Sunday, Jess, Nick, Grant, Jamie, Kali, Sara, and Alissa all came over and my mom grilled steaks I held that cutie patootie Grant for hours :) He's truly the cutest baby I have ever known. We all ate and hung out for a bit and then everyone began to slowly go home. I decided to finish rearranging my room. Jude and I started doing it on Thursday but couldn't quite get it perfect but I think I got it tonight... I like it :)

Now, it's past my bedtime because I have both jobs to work tomorrow.

Baby, It's Cold Outside

2011-01-10T00:17:00.003-06:00

This is very random, but I changed the channel to MTV and it was one of those stupid true life shows. I always like to guess what the episode is on before they tell me. The snippit that was on was of a girl at a speed dating shindig and she said, "I'm just going to be brutally honest." Well question number two was"What do you do for work" to which she responds, "I'm a professional dominatrix." Pahahaha. Weird.

Life is really great right now. Things are getting back to normal after the holidays and Jessica had her sweet little GORGEOUS baby boy. Jude and I are settling back into place and it feels so right. I'm just ready to get school over with!! Ooo, I need to start applying for jobs like yesterday!

I was so deathly sick this past week. It started with chest congestion the first day. The second day it was congestion and bad cough. The third day it was that plus bad sinus pains. Then it was just the cough and sinus pressure. Then I was throwing up. Ugh. I literally stayed on the couch for a week. But now I'm goooood.

Okay, I'm going to finish my resume NOW!

Baby, Baby!!

2011-01-06T00:26:00.002-06:00

Well, today is the day that the world will meet baby Cicero :) Grant will be here this afternoon and we can't wait! I just hope this cold calms the fuck down so I can go see him... and Jess, of course :)

Today was pretty great! Aside from my health digressing throughout the day, it was still fun. When Jude got off work we met up at Celebration Station to play put-put. We had SO much fun. Aaaand, I kind of kicked his butt :) Then we stopped by Marble Slab because my chest was hurting and I wanted a milkshake. I don't know what it is with people not adding my caramel though! From Starbucks to Marble Slab. ALL I WANT IS CARAMEL!! Theeeen we stopped by the bar to see Roxanne, Randy, and Mrs. Nancy. I miss that family. Yep, great day :)

New Year's Eve

2011-01-01T04:16:00.003-06:00

Well, today was a tad hectic. I was forced to wake up and take family pictures with my sisters and nieces and nephew since Hollie and the kids were leaving this afternoon. The only reason I woke up as gracefully as I did was because I smelled bacon. I think I'll remember that if and when I'm in charge of teenagers :)

So we all had breakfast... Well, most of us had breakfast; neither of my parents swooped in quickly enough. Then we got dressed and done up for the pictures. Thank holy for left-over makeup from working the night before :) After pictures. I started doing some laundry and picking up my room a bit. I still have a loooong way to go. Then I had to go to the bar to wait to Taylor to open and Jude and I went to the mall for my dirty santa gift and facewash. Then party city to buy decorations for the party. Then I went home and was lazy for a couple hours. Theeeen went to get ice for work because our ice machine decided to unplug itself and not make ice all night. Theen went to work.

Work was- not as we were hoping. It would have been considered a busy night had the band not charged almost 3 times as much as they normally do. Thank goodness we were busy last night. It helped a lot. And I felt terrible because my mom was looking forward to tonight for so long and she feels like shit :( She couldn't even enjoy herself and ended up leaving early. I wish I could have traded places with her. She deserved to have fun :(

It took us over an hour to get out of the bar. We had looots to do. But now I'm home, in my freshly washed sheets and pajamas and am beginning to drift my exhausted ass to sleep.

Bon soir. Happy 2011!!

2011

2010-12-31T02:47:00.003-06:00

Well, since 2010 sucked- for the vast majority- I'm determined to make 2011 an amazing one.

- I will no longer be defiant and do what I want (no matter what) just to uphold my strong, independent person quality. I need to be considerate. I need to realize that if my loved ones disagree it's for good reason and I need to reconsider. This is a big one for me because I've always lived by the "no one tells me what to do", I'm a 2 year old mentality.
- I will no longer seize every opportunity just to say I've lived my life to the fullest. Fuuuck that. My life will no longer be turned upside down because of pesky little "what ifs" that life tends to throw us. What ifs no longer affect me. If I'm happy where I am, I ain't changin' it.
- On that note, I will no longer try to fix what isn't broken.
- I will start being more aware of who I want to be as a person and actively live that way. Most of all I want to be considerate and compassionate. I want to be kind and caring. I want to be empathetic and helping. I want to be a good friend to my loved ones. I want to be fair and treat people respectfully... Well, except for OJ. I want to stop waiting for life to start and stop letting the present pass by. I want to appreciate everything more. I want to appreciate everyone more. I want to be the type of person that my nieces and nephews can look up to in a positive light. I want to make my loved ones proud.

There are many more things that I hope to add to throughout the year. But for now, it's bed time. Jennifer will be in this room waking me up in 7 hours to put on a happy face for more family pictures. Bon soir!

"Ruin is the Road to Transformation"

2010-12-22T04:58:00.003-06:00

I believe that is now the quote of my life. To open a new door, one has to close.

My life is finally on track. I couldn't be happier. :)

I'm FREEEE!

2010-12-13T01:48:00.003-06:00

SCHOOL IS OVA!!! I passed all of my classes, too :) My social movements teacher pissed me off though. She only gave me credit for one of my four reaction papers!!! GRrrr!! But- it's over and I passed and whatever. NO MORE PANIC ATTACKS OVER SCHOOL!!

My hair is still a disaster. I don't even think I can describe it properly. It's just- bad.

I went in to Urban Outfitters tonight and I'm so excited! I've never found dishes that I really like. I have a hope chest that my mom had made for me and we've been slowly filling it with things that I'll need when I move out (in about 37 years). They have really cute, patterned dishes and I love that they're not all matchy matchy. I can't wait to have money to buy them :)

I really don't know what to blog about. I'm just excited about school and dishes. Haha.

December-phobic

2010-12-03T01:59:00.003-06:00

I am terrified of the month of December. Every December for as long as I can remember my world has been turned upside down. I'm really trying to stay positive about it but- it's a phobia. I hate it. I love the music. I love the weather. I love the cheer. I just hate what my life does.

2 Quick Things

2010-12-02T12:58:00.004-06:00

There's always that one girl in class who may dress like a slob but always has a face full of makeup. I never understood how women could wake up every morning and put on makeup. I value my sleep to much to bother with all that crap. Well, today I understand why. There is one girl I have a couple of classes with and she always looks like she just got back from the beach. Way too much fake tan, way too much makeup, etc. Well, she didn't wear her war paint today and I can definitely understand why she does now. She's not terrible-looking, but she's a lot easier to look at when she is prepared.

I think this fact needs to be publicly broadcasted everywhere! I'm talking television, radio, billboards, WELFARE OFFICES: genetics is a factor in an offspring's criminality. Translation, IF YOU HAVE CHILDREN WITH CRIMINALS, THERE IS A GREATER LIKELIHOOD THAT THEY WILL BE CRIMINALS. Even if they are adopted, the biological parent's "criminal genetics", if you will, matter!! If ya don't want delinquent children don't procreate with criminals.

Zombie Talk

2010-11-30T12:12:00.001-06:00

The worst of the semester is over! I finished my last real paper at 5:30 this morning. I am patting myself on the back and rewarding myself by paying as little attention in class as possible, though still taking notes when necessary. While enjoying this treat, I have come to realize why exactly this guy hates me. I've taken him before and was always late to class, stumbling in half asleep, spilling my coffee on my desk, and disrupting his relentless flow of his 7 million-word-a-minute lecture. However, this semester, his is not my first class so I'm never late and I've already ingested my morning de-zombification drink of choice. But he still hates me! Well, today I know why. I'm never giving him my full attention because we've been talking about the exact same things since class one. Literally. He's so repetitive I just can't do it. So I'm always on some website and- no joke- every time I look up he's looking at me, knowing that our feelings for each other are mutual, and knowing he's wasting his better-than-Rachel-Ray-well-rehearsed-send-everyone-to-hell-hellish lecture on this one. Bright side! Only one more class session after today!

I'M SO EXCITED TO START READING FOR FUN!!!! Last summer I bought well over 10 books and haven't cracked a one. During school I have no time to but after on December 10th, I will start on those books. And priority number one is by one of the most influential women I've ever come across: Chelsea Handler. That book has been in my position for far too long to be sitting under my coffee table pleading to be read.

After the last book my money forced me to read, I have decided that I care very little for fictional writing. I'd much rather read about people's real lives and real experiences than read something that is made up. However, there are exceptions. When a person makes up an entire world, that's brilliant, to me. Harry Potter is brilliant. But if someone is just making up a story between some individuals, save it.

I don't think I'm quite ready for my entire reality to change. All I've known is school and structure. I know my responsibilities and I've worked toward the ultimate goal of getting to a career. Well, that time is inching closer and once there what is there? All I have to work toward is a debt-free life. I'm afraid that my dreams will begin to vanish as reality settles in and I'll become one of those strive-for-mediocrity people. How can I go all out into the world completely blind to actual reality?

I've just realized that I'm trying to write my way through my crossroads on two hours of sleep and 2 very large cups of coffee. That's probably not the best idea so I'll go to something lighter.

Things I'm thankful for:
- My parents, who have always given my sisters and me everything we've ever hoped for, even at the expense of themselves. They gave us freedom and trust instead of an iron fist. They instilled positive morals and have produced, in my opinion, great children in a corrupt world. First and foremost I'm thankful for their guidance, helpfulness, love, protection, and the way they raised us. They have passed on a strong work-ethic and sympathy for others. Both of them would give anyone the shirts off their backs and I'm thankful to be surrounded by such loving people.
- My sisters. I don't always verbalize my love and admiration of them but I've been brought to tears many times by their kindness and thoughtfulness. They offer tough love when necessary and a shoulder I can cry on. They have given me the most beautiful gifts in the form of nieces and nephews. It is so bizarre to watch these little people grow, from birth, and having an effect on their lives.
- My friends, both past and present, who have been there for me at one time or another and helped shape who I am today. I have been very lucky to have friends that have challenged my knowledge and broadened my horizons and opened my mind to things I would have never thought.
- My health I owe to my family and friends. After a long-time self-struggle, my family and friends... I can't even verbalize what I feel about this. From Simon outting my secret one drunken night to my sister tattling on me to my mother, it was all out of love and I'm eternally grateful. I wouldn't be where I am today, happy and healthy, without those trying times and forced surrender.
- The experiences in my life that have shaped the way I think. For example, in dealing with a person battle with food for such a long time, I'm very mindful of telling my nieces how beautiful and perfect and smart they are. I don't make comments that could later be misconstrued (like telling them they've gotten so big, or they're so heavy, etc) as something negative. I was one that placed negative connotations on everything and I don't want them to feel that. I'm especially mindful of Kali. That child is the reason for the majority of my tears. She has been through too much in her eight years and is more sensitive than anyone I have ever known.

There are many, many more things that I am thankful for but these are the big 'uns. I'm very lucky to have the life I do and I don't take it for granted.

One last note, I am consciously thankful EVERY DAY that I wake up without a fever blister. I HATE those little bastards.

Zombie Talk

2010-11-30T11:22:00.002-06:00

Kamikazee Cave Woman

2010-11-23T11:37:00.004-06:00

Well, I only have 2 and haif days of class left and honestly, I wish there was more. I have exactly 6 days and 12 hours to read 2 books and write 2 5-page papers. That's all well and good, but I only have 2 days off of work to complete this. I don't know what I've gotten myself into. I'm beginning to feel like a kamikazee. I cannot wait for next semester. It's going to be very chill and easy and kiiind of like a vacation compared to this hell I've had to suffer through the last few months. This Thanksgiving is going to suck, too. My dad is in Florida and I have to work the entire time my family is going to be at the house and my mind will be filled with criminal justice garbage.

On a better note, I don't have to take my shots anymore. I went to my doctor yesterday and after explaining to him that I hadn't taken then in about 2 months (I can't take them with an infection because it won't heal as quickly), I don't have to take them anymore... for now.

I'm hoping that since next semester I only have one class, that I can get a part-time job with a federal agency to kind of get my foot in the door. I know some people that know some people so I'm hoping that it'll work out in my favor.

Uh oh... my teacher keeps eying me... I bet he knows I have no idea what he's been saying the past 45 minutes.

Ooo yeah, I forgot it's been a while. Some bitch burned my hair OFF! Said bitch is the owner of the salon that I went to. My hair was black and I wanted to go to a light, golden brown. To do so, she had to bleach it. I'm not (or wasn't) afraid of bleach. I had it dome several times in the past... but this time was different. It BURNED my hair off and I have a flacking, itchy scab on my scalp about the size of my palm. It's getting better, but it's still not there yet. I freaked out, of course, and went to see my genious old hair dresser the next day and he told me I can't shampoo (only condition twice a week), brush, blow-dry, straighten, or put my hair in a pony tail or TWO MONTHS!!!. I literally look like a cave woman. Here's the irony in that: I was a cave woman for halloween three days before this disaster happened and the wig that I wore is the same color and texture as my actual hair is now. It's pretty horrible.

Bitch Fest part I.

2010-10-26T10:05:00.004-05:00

I hate that my blog has become a place I visit only to bitch, but so be it. Todays bitch fest begins in my first class. How about that? It's not bad enough that I'm pretty much taking the exact same class as I did last semester. And it's not bad enough that I'm taking 3 classes that are exactly the same as the class I had last semester. But I have to listen to this dinosaur from Toy Story looking asshole speak. He's retarded. It's a sociological theory class and every time he starts a new topic, "So and so..... *pause*..... who is a sociologist". DUH! We know he's a sociologist. That's not even his dumbest quality. He speaks in figure eights. For example:
Somewhere out there there’s a marketplace for potential social problems. When conditions are right, claimsmakers take these potential social problems and make claims about them. Once they’ve made the claims, people become aware and they associate the claims with the claimsmakers, and claimsmakers gain ownership of the claim. Once they gain ownership, they are associated with the claim. People believe the claims and they become bona fide social problems. Problems become problems because people make them that way.

It might just be me, but I think there's a hell of a lot simpler way of getting THAT message across.

Breeeeeaaaathe, Jordin!!

2010-10-09T04:10:00.004-05:00

It's 4:10 AM and I'm having an anxiety attack for no good reason. Tomorrow morning I have to work for a poker run at the bar then rush to some old friends' wedding. The anxiety attack is over clothes. STUPID! I have nothing to wear to this wedding. I don't want to wear regular old "casual dress" clothes. I haven't seen most of the people that will be there since graduation and I want to look nice. And it's a wedding! I haaaate this. It's so ridiculous. Hopefully Jessica will be awake early before I have to go to work so I can steal something of hers. I also look like I've been beaten with all the bruises covering me. I've been trying to help relocate a restaurant and.... well, I'm a peach. I ALSO have a god damn, mother fucking, stupid son of a bitch ass fever blister. I hate the herp more than I hate EGGNOG!!!!! That's a lot of hate.

Well, blogging certainly isn't helping. I'm getting more worked up. I will try lying on my floor and meditating. Bon chance a moi! :/

3:51 AM

2010-09-18T03:39:00.004-05:00

I've been sitting here (on my couch) for a few minutes while I wait to blow dry my hair. I've been trying to think of something, anything interesting to blog about and I'm coming up with squat. I'll just ramble.

I had to work tonight. Thank Jebus for coffee. I really don't know how I'd survive these days without it. But I guess that's what college years are all about.

Sundays are now my favorite days of the month. It's my only day off from everything and it's usually spent in Pierre Part with great people... and beer :)... and usually a boat :))

I HAAAATE wet hair. That means I have a long time to go before it's appropriate to walk in public.

I think I could be a hell of a defense attorney... if I didn't hate the idea of law school and defending criminals; or should I say "alleged" criminals?

OH! Lauren mentioned to me how awesome it would be if I had an ottoman and I couldn't believe I didn't think of it myself. Honestly, though, I had to google what it was because I didn't know they were called that :) So for 2 days (I think), I was searching for an ottoman. I now know everything there is to know about the bitches: cocktail, storage, leather, microfiber, tufted, etc. I have found the perfect, most comfy-looking ottoman. Mmm, I hope it's as comfy as it looks :)

I'm falling asleep.... bon soir.

Long Overdue!

2010-09-17T02:28:00.004-05:00

Wow, almost a year. So much has changed yet I feel I have so little to say about it. I'll just start all over I suppose. I now have three beautiful nieces, one and HAIF adorable nephews. Okay, Eli is adorable and funny as shit and baby Grant I have no doubt will be a handsome little playa :)

I think the biggest change the past year was quite a shock to everyone involved. It was a terrible, heart-wrenching, painful, 8 month roller coaster that I'm sure we're all thrilled to be off of. But it worked out well and I'm happier than ever and I hope they are as well. Every day brings a new, exciting adventure that I can't wait to wake up for and it's an exhilarating feeling. My life the past few months has flown by and for the first time in a long time it saddens me. I've lost most of the friends I've known since I was 13. I never thought I'd see the day when my friends from "the posse" would feel like strangers that I can see myself dodging just to not have to endure the awkward small talk that everyone hates. That said, a pivotal moment in my life came when meeting some crazy Blanchardos last October that have forever changed my life for the better. Through them, I have met some of the most amazing people I've ever had the pleasure of calling my friends. More than that, whether they know it or not, I consider them my best friends. I feel like I've known them all since birth because they're that warm and welcoming. So from "the posse" to "the crew", my life goes on.

My new outlook on life may seem ____ (fill in the blank), but it's brilliant- to me anyway. Life is short and no one should compromise experiences. If you want to do something, do it. I want to experience all life offers me. This sounded better in my head, but I think my point was made...? Maybe?

Other than socially, not much has changed. I'm still working at the bar and the cafe, still going to school (I'm now considered a "super senior"- UGH!) and won't graduate until I'm a "super duper senior", arthritis is still pretty much under control (glad I blogged, it's shot day!). I have decided, though, that I want to work for the federal government at some level. Most of the time I want to work for Customs but some days I fancy the Dept. of Justice or Defense. I don't know for sure. Whatever my degree brings me that seems fun.

For now I think I'm done, but I'll try to stay on top of this. I always enjoyed it.

Carpe diem!

More Up Than Down

2009-11-02T13:54:00.004-06:00

The past week alone has been a whirlwind, which gives me reason to blog again. School has been pretty good. I dropped my politics class because that bitch was insane if he thought 48 typed pages of notes was an acceptable amount of material to have a midterm on. It was an elective and didn't want to deal with the stress of it so, no more.

I made an appointment with my department head last week to talk about the classes I have left before graduating. I didn't want to get in a bind like Jude was in (he couldn't get into one class so he thought he'd have to go a whole semester for that one. As it turns out, he gets to graduate in December because he changed his catalogue year.) My. Bolton (the dept head) said I could graduate in the summer if I busted my ass pretty much. I have to take 19 hours next semester (which is 6 classes and a lab). Then take a 2 week trip to Ecuador (which isn't considered busting ass. It'll seem like a much- needed vacation after deal with 7 classes). And then take 3 classes over the summer. At this point, I'll do ANYTHING to finish 6 months early so I'm ready!

I found out some HORRIFIC news yesterday pertaining to a particular family member of mine. Grrrr!!!! I can't talk about it yet though.

We got Jessica and Nick all moved in to their new house. It took a lot of work but it looks great. I'm glad they got a house so close to my parents again :)

I made some new friends this weekend. Lauren, Kyle, and Faith have been coming to the bar for years and I just got to know them this weekend. They're kick ass and very fun. And they loved Hanson when they were growing up!! :)

Speaking of Hanson, Christa and I went to see them in NOLA at the House of Blues. It was everything my 12 year old self wanted and they even played Mmmbop. I was in heaven.

Long Overdue

2009-09-21T12:35:00.002-05:00

I haven't had too much going on and haven't had amy ideas on what to write about. School is going pretty well and I made a B on an exam I wasn't prepared for. So I was very excited.

We took a trip to Angola with my class on Friday. I didn't like it. First off, I was 20 minutes late, but I wasn't the latest. The bus came back to pick us up for the tour and we missed the coolest part- talking to an inmate. We went all around on this stupid, smelly, hot, overcrowded bus and our tour guide was old, smelly, and almost deaf. The worst part, thought, was walking down death row. I was kind of excited because my teacher said in all the years she's been taking her students on this tour, Derrick Todd Lee always covered himself with a sheet so people wouldn't see him. When we found out he was in the first cell, I wanted to look just because I thought this was interesting. Well, we go in and ALL of the inmates were hanging on their cell doors gawking at us. In the first cell was DTL and he wasn't covered up. He was hanging on the door and looked everyone who looked at him in the eye. WEIRD!!! I got freaked out and for the rest of that walk down death row I was looking at the wall or the floor. I couldn't handle that. When we got back on the bus I had a bit of an anxiety attack and almost started crying like a dork. I hated it. Now I have to get through 2 more of these wack ass trips to prison and I'll be done!

My arthritis came back recently and I went to my doctor who put me on my methotrexate again. He wanted to start out aggressively so it wouldn't progress and I have good days and bad. Today isn't so great. My feet hurt really bad and my fingers still hurt (I accidently punched my headbord when I was flipping my pillow over last night). But, he'll fix me like he did last time

I've decided recently that when I'm older and- drooping- I will definitely get a face left. Fuck that aging gracefully crap. Just thought I'd throw that out there :)

Also, Jude and I decided that we're going to take a 5 day trip to Austin during fall break :) We found a hotel for $31/ night and he's REALLY been wanting to go. He wanted to go to nashville again because we didn't spend as much time as we wanted but when I mentioned Austin he was really wanting to do that. I love taking little vacations that we can drive to (flying is expensive, man) and we always have a lot of fun. Any suggestions on what to do?

:)

RIP Dunc.

2009-07-02T00:20:00.003-05:00

I got home from the movies tonight to find Jessica and my dad outside looking at the bed of his truck. Jessica was crying and Duncan was lying there, not moving. I immediately felt horrible. Not only for Jessica losing her best friend and for her husband not even being here to console her, but for how mean I am to animals. I woke up this morning and when Duncan finally came inside, I put him in his kennel because he rolled around in the ditch again. When Jess came to meet Jude and me to go to the movie, she told me he had pooped and vomited all over the kennel. I felt really bad about that. Then on the way home I was saying how much I hate animals and Jess told me I would feel really bad if the dogs died. I was joking say that I wouldn't care and whatnot and what happens? Karma is such a bitch.

I always said I didn't like Duncan but I really did. And I really appreciated him being so loyal to Jessica. He was a good dog with an amazing little personality and I'm so sorry he's gone. I still can't stop crying.

Now, I will explain why I don't like animals. When I was about 7 or so, we had a dog named Oreo. He was a good dog from what I remember and liked to follow us wherever we went. Jamie was walking to the little store the next road over from us and he followed. He was hit by a truck pulling one of those horse trailers and he died. All I remember was Jessica and Jamie laying in my mom's arms in her old water bed crying their eyes out. After seeing that, I said I would never want an animal. People have enough heartache in life without having to grieve over pets. Even without that, life is full of lows. But losing an animal is pain I'd much rather not have to endure.

I feel really bad for always being mean to Duncan and I'll try to be nicer to Scotty because of it. I still never want a pet and I still say I don't like animals, but I really did like Duncan. I wish he was still here. Jess, I'm really sorry.

Who Knows?

2009-06-24T10:16:00.002-05:00

I'm sitting in class and my teacher is talking about some of the trick questions she's used on finals in the past. We're looking at scatterplots and telling if there is a relationship and how strong it is. It ranges from -1.0 to +1.0. The closer the number is to on end of the spectrum, the stronger the relationship. For examples. -.9 is greater than +.3.

She said, "Oh, I've got a really good trick question." So of course she's going to tell us. She did and it wasn't a trick at all, it was really easy like the example I just gave. But then we said, "It would be a trick if you did -1.0 compared to +1.0. She said, "Oh yeah, I've asked that before." When we asked what the answer was, she said, "Oh, well I don't really know..."

Gotta love it....

Redundancy

2009-06-10T11:34:00.002-05:00

Things have been going pretty well. My car is great, work is great (pretty slow lately, but the environment is good), school (so far) is great. Jude, Danny, and I went to Orlando over the weekend and had SO much fun. It was very entertaining and relaxing and I can't wait to go back. Hopefully Labor Day? I don't know. It was great though.

My class is really easy so far. Hopefully it continues that way because I would like to pull my GPA up :)

I went to Mr. Arthur's funeral Monday and it was really sad. I was really upset by the amount of people that I expected to see there when none of them showed up. Only 3 people I recognized from the bar came. It was really sad because he was a part of everyone's life. He is already greatly missed.

I also went to the doctor. It wasn't a perfect visit but I should be hearing more about everything in the next couple of days.

I don't really know of anything else to talk about... My life is pretty much always the same.

Much better

2009-05-31T23:18:00.002-05:00

Well, the last third of this month has been much better than the first two. I got my loans worked out and my car is all done and everything is just great. Work has even gotten better. And, best of ALL, the Victoria's Secret Semi- Annual Sale. Geez, not much makes me happier. When I walk up to those little plastic bins, I look for nothing but my size. If I see my size, which varies from a C to a DD, I snatch it up and run. I probably tried on 15 bras this week and I now have 6 new ones. Haha. Well, I bought 4 and my mom gave me 2 of hers because they don't fit her. I LOVE new bras. 8D

Jude, Danny, and I are leaving Thursday night for Orlando. We're going to celebrate Kolby's birthday (which isn't until the 13th) and hopefully time will go by slowly. Haha. I'm really excited about going and I hope he has a good time while we're there.

I start class on Wednesday. I'm not really excited about it but I just keep reminding myself that I'd rather drive to Hammond 4 days a week for one month out of my summer than take it in the fall with stupid Mr. Castro. It's my only motivation. Mr. Castro is a lunatic of a teacher who I had taken my first semester of college for Sociology. Grrr, I did not like him.

What else? I have kept my room clean for- dun dun dun- 2 whole weeks. I'm so very proud. And, I'm till curling my hair (with my straightener). I didn't think I'd stick to it but I have. And I like it :)

And I must say, I'm watching the MTV Movie Awards and I love Rob Pattinson as Edward, but I don't really love Kristin Stewart as Bella. I mean, she's okay, but she's way too shy. And reserved. And I can't believe I'm blogging about this. My apologies.

Bon soir.

So, This Is What It Feels Like to be Poor.

2009-05-23T13:10:00.002-05:00

My insurance note a month is the same as my car note and bill note combined. This really sucks. I need another job.

Fuque My Life

2009-05-21T00:36:00.002-05:00

The month of May sucks. The only thing that was good about it was that I made tacos three times. And one other thing, but other than that, it sucked.

I didn't do as well as I thought I would in school, I totalled my car, the drier was broken for 3 weeks, I hate the haircut I paid $60 for, 1/4 of my hair is now blonde, I am still having trouble sleeping, etc. etc. etc...

I know good things have happened too, though. I still have TOPS, no one got hurt, the drier is fixed, I FINALLY made a gyno appointment, my car was totalled :) Ooops, did I admit that??

Tonight was another "Fuck my life"- filled day. After barely making it through work with some sanity, I went to the store to get some things I needed to cook dinner for Jude and me while also getting some steaks for mom and Kali. Well, I forgot the steak and had to go back. I cooked her stuff and I was cooking mine. I made Monterey Chicken: chicken topped with bacon, monterey jack cheese and BBQ sauce. Well, 2 pieces were cooked and one was not. Since the cheese had to melt, I put the whole glass tray on top of the BBQ pit because it was hot. I wanted to check on the last piece of chicken and opened the lid without moving the glass tray. I'm sorry, that's fucking stupid!!! I was so angry it took Jude like 20 minutes to make me smile, which is odd. I was p-i-s-e-d (yes, one 's').

Last night while at work, I called my mom crying because I'm overly hormonal and stressed out. My dad was guilt- tripping me to take his truck because he wants a new one and he can't get 2 new vehicles at the same time. My response, "I'm not a lesbian". Forget the sucky gas mileage (12 mpg) and the fact that I wrecked his truck in a parking lot, I'm just not a lez. So today, my mom and I went to the credit union and I applied for a loan of my very own. I was feeling pretty good because she said my credit looks good and has nothing derogatory listed, and said she'd call by the end of the day. Now, I'm not feeling so good because she didn't call.... If I don't get approved, then I'm in a bind. With the way the month has been, I probably won't get approved.

I'm in need of a vacation!! Jude and I (and hopefully Cody and Danny) are going to Kolby's (in Orlando) the first weekend in June and then a bunch of us are going to Destin the first weekend in July for a friend's wedding. I'm ssoooooo ready. I just hope I have a jeep to drive us all in :) But again, the way the month is going, it probably won't happen.

Hey Jenn, wanna come with me to test drive my dream car Friday ?? I'm SUPER excited. By the way, it's a 2008 Jeep Patriot :)

Day 2.

2009-05-07T17:52:00.000-05:00

Today also sucked. But Cody and Danny are great friends. I'm so impatient!

Day 1.

2009-05-06T21:46:00.001-05:00

Today sucked donkey balls- to put it lightly.

I took my biology lab final and... it was hard. I knew the information but when we had to identify things, not so much.

This is all I can say. Poop.

English Paper

2009-04-28T01:20:00.001-05:00

Equality for Some

This country has fought discrimination for decades to defend Americans’ civil liberties granted to us by the U.S. Constitution. California’s ban on same- sex marriage promotes the idea that discrimination is okay. Proposition 8 is discrimination, and it is unconstitutional.

Gay and lesbian couples were granted the right to marry in California in May 2008. On November 4, 2008, Proposition 8 was voted into law. In a simple majority rule, 52.24% of Californians voted to change part of the state Constitution. Proposition 8 eliminated same-sex couples’ right to marry and included that “only marriage between a man and a woman is valid or recognized in California.” The Supreme Court is now questioning the constitutionality of Proposition 8. The Court is hearing oral arguments from both sides and have 90 days to decide on three points: whether the proposition violated the separation of powers doctrine, if the 18,000 same- sex marriages will remain valid, and whether the proposition was a revision or amendment to the state’s constitution.

A similar case was proposed in California in 1964. Proposition 14 would have legalized racial discrimination in the selling and renting of houses. 65% of voters voted in favor of the law. The state and US Supreme Courts found the law to be unconstitutional on the grounds that it denied a group of citizens their rights. Proposition 8 is doing the same thing.

All people are granted fundamental rights at birth. Article 1, Section 1 of the US Constitution states that “all people are by nature free and independent and have inalienable rights” and “among these are enjoying and defending life and liberty, acquiring, possessing, and protecting property, and pursuing and obtaining safety, happiness and privacy.” Proposition 8 is imposing on gays’ and lesbians’ liberties. California’s Attorney General Edmund Brown Jr. states that “the concept of “liberty” includes the right to form the enduring relationship called marriage and that no compelling interest justified denying this right to same sex couples.”

Laws are supposed to be impartial to any particular religious organization because not everyone in this country is of the same religion. 100% of people I have talked to that support Proposition 8 say they do so because “the Bible says marriage is between man and woman”. We have in place the “separation of church and state” for a reason. The bible doesn’t run our country, the Constitution does. If every law in place were based on the Bible, then all other religious groups would be discriminated against.

Not all religions are against same- sex marriages. Though most are, especially Christian ones, there are a few that have recognized it isn’t fair to alienate people. Before the November election, all six Episcopalian bishops in California issued a joint statement opposing Proposition 8. Many different Jewish groups also actively opposed it. Jews opposed the ban more than any other religious group. Only 8% voted in favor of the law.

From a literal prospective of the Bible, it does say that “man not lie with man” but it also says that stoning people to death is an acceptable part of everyday life. The Bible was written by man, a mortal man with the ability to lie and exaggerate. The King James Version of the Bible was translated by William Shakespeare. With all of the different translations, there was definitely room for the translators to mess up or willingly change it. There is no confusing the US Constitution. Every topic is fully explained and understandable.

If the Supreme Court decides Proposition 8 is unconstitutional, hopefully more states will follow in allowing same- sex couples to marry, but it’s doubtful. There are currently only four states permitting the unions: Iowa, Vermont, Massachusetts, and Connecticut. There are thirteen states that constitutionally ban the unions. If Proposition 8, being a constitutional ban, is outlawed, it’s probably not going to have an immediate effect on the thirteen states that have similar laws. These laws state that they will neither allow the marriage nor recognize them. Under the Full Faith and Credit clause of the US Constitution, it states in Article IV, Section 1 that all states within the United States have to respect “public acts, records, and judicial rulings” of other states. That means that all states must recognized the marriages of same- sex couples. DOMA, which stands for Defense of Marriage Act, was passed in 1996 and it contradicts the federal constitution. It states “no state needs to treat a relationship between persons of the same sex as a marriage, even if the relationship is considered a marriage in other states” and “the federal government may not treat same- sex relationships as marriages for any purpose, even if concluded or recognized by one of the states”. This act was passed in an 85-14 vote in the Senate and a 342-67 vote in the House of Representatives. How was this passed when it contradicts the Federal Constitution?

So what’s the solution? According the constitution, marriage is a right and everyone is created equal. Marriage is not just a religious ceremony it’s a legal one. The law cannot force religions to sanction the marriage of same- sex couples but the law can stick to the Constitution and grant a legal union and have those unions be recognized in every state, just like any other document.

I have a few goals in my life. One of which is to cause the biggest raucous I can about EQUAL RIGHTS. Not Just for gays/ lesbians, but for anyone being discriminated against. The law is the law, and according to the document that runs this country, everyone is created equal.

For once, consider what it's like to be discriminated and alienated against and compared to a murderer. Wouldn't you want the law on your side at least attempting to protect your birth- given rights?) If your answer is no, you're a liar.

Filth

2009-04-14T23:17:00.003-05:00

My mother came in my room tonight and said, "You always make a mess and never clean it up!" Um, excuse me? Who cooked dinner? Who had to hire a maid to clean the house? She cooked crawfish au gratin and my dad asked me to fry some fish to put under it. I used 3 dishes. Do my 3 dishes look like the only mess in that kitchen. There's a picture of some spaghetti crap that she baked the kids for LUNCH today... and it's still on the counter- 12 hours later. It's fucking disgusting. And to top it off, she went to bed and left everything. If I wouldn't clean it, it would sit there until her maid came on Thursday to clean it. Again, it's fucking gross. Also, the dishwasher was completely full of dishes and she couldn't turn it on. So, I have to wait until those are done to clean this shit hole of a kitchen. See for yourself.

Commercial?

2009-04-14T22:19:00.002-05:00

I'm very confused. When I was on medicine for my arthritis I was taking Methotrexate and Humira. I just saw a Humira commercial that said it was for psoriasis. I was very confused... Oh well.

Stalker In The Making.

2009-04-13T22:47:00.003-05:00

Easter was pretty fun. I don't feel like going in to much detail because I'm lazy. The funniest thing happened though.

Kali got her little acoustic guitar and tried to be a little Taylor Swift. She was writing songs. They all had the same tune, and pretty much the same words. There are 3.

Song # 1 (as written):
I see your fase.
I see yor eyes.
Nuthen nose ubout your fase
in the sky.
I see you evree war. In the sky.

Song # 2:
I see yor hous in the sky.
Nuthen nose ubout yor hous.

Song # 3- The Stalker Ballad:
I now your fone number.
I see your hous.
I now evree thang
about you.
This is my last song.

Well, she is precious but I don't see a future in song writing for her. Poor baby.

Love It.

2009-04-01T12:35:00.004-05:00

Man I love this class. Biology- again. We're talking about how to classify animals and we're looking at body types. Symmetrical and blah blah blah. She gives examples of each and she said, "Dog, cat, people..." and someone YELLS out, "JAGUAR!!!" Lol it was great.

Today is mine and Jude's 5 year anniversary. It amazes me that we've only had one big, real fight. Last night we had a talk we really needed to have. I won't go into detail but I think we're really good at understanding eachother's points of view.

I don't feel like blogging so, bye. :)

Silly!!

2009-03-27T17:31:00.002-05:00

I officially love the biology class I go to. I don't go to the one I'm signed up in because it's too early in the morning and Teacher Suki said we could go to her later classes if we want. I've been going to her other classes about twice a week and it's hilarious. Much more so than at 9AM. Today, we continued our adventure in plants- angiosperms to be more scientific- and we started talking about why we're learning about them. She said things like the ecosystem, beauty, etc. She started talking about foreign versus exotic plants. She said exotic plants take over and dominate everything. Like the Chinese tallowtree. "I hate those. Those are bad. If your neighbor gets one, go out when they're sleeping and just take care of it. Those are terrible. I hate them." It was much funnier in her Suki- excited way.

My CJ class was funny yesteray, too. We were talking about vice crimes and did you know that oral sex is a felony? I mean, they don't enforce it but it's still in the Louisiana criminal code book. Then we were talking about prostitution and my teacher said, "I've nailed a prostitute or two.... oh wait. I didn't not even process that before it came out". LOL! He was talking about ARRESTING them but it was pretty amazing. The entire class busted out laughing for about 5 minutes. It was brilliant.

On a different note, I am now a Tweet?! Maybe? I'm on twitter. I have been thinking about it lately and when I read Caroline's blog and she wrote that her and Danny were on it, I took it as a sign. So now I'm on there. Twitter.com/Jordin_Crosbie. I love it. It's a little strange though.

I have to go finish getting ready for work... after I update my tweets again. Haha.

Fruits Make YOU Poot

2009-03-25T13:12:00.002-05:00

Biology was really funny today. I mean, not the actual learning but the questions that were being asked. We're learning EVERYTHING having to do with plants. I mean, everything. It's terribly boring because I hate plants more than I hate animals. We were talking about fruits on flowers and different kinds and this and that and someone said, "How you grow marijuana?" Someone yelled out "YOU SMOKE IT!" and we all cracked up laughing. Our teacher, who looks like Suki off of Gilmore Girls, turned bright red and said, "How do you grow any plant?" And the guy mumbled another question about and it was just fun.

Then we were talking about hormones that are used on plants and what they do. Someone said, "How do you KILL 'EM??!!" like he was ready to tear some shit up. We laughed again and Suki lady said, "We go from drugs to murder... this is interesting." And it was. And I needed some good laughs after my English class.

Like 4 classes went in the huge classroom and I didn't know why because I skipped my last English class. We had to listen to some guy from some school analyze the movie version of "To Kill a Mockingbird" for 50 fucking minutes. He talked, and talked, and talked... And fast too. He must have had 20 pages written about this shit. I, of course, didn't listen. Instead I looked at people around me doing annoying things to distract my attention, cleaned under my fingernails, checked the time.... VERY boring. I wanted to fall asleep but I was sitting behind a teacher. Damn.

Anyway, Jude and I played tennis yesterday again. It was really fun. That bastard hit 2 of my balls into the ditch though. Haha. We both got injured. He had some nail thing in his shoe that he stepped on. It was all bloody and gross and I told him to go get a shot. Gross. Then when I was going to get a ball, I ran into the side of the net that had some miniature pole sticking out and it cut my stomach. Haha. Oh well. I didn't notice it until later that it cut me so I guess it's not that bad :)

Well, I need to go study for my stupid fruit quiz... Oh boy!

Vacay-ish

2009-03-24T01:48:00.004-05:00

So this semester is pretty great. Yes, I had to drop 2 classes but my other 3 are great. I'm expecting to end up with a 3.0 for the semester so I'm really excited. I hope I can pull it off :)

Next semester is going to be intense. I'm taking a summer class just to get it out of the way (Soc. 234 which is statistics and data analysis) which is really exciting right? Then in the fall I'm taking politics 401 which is intro to public law, the CJ class I dropped this semester (not taking it online again!) and it's the corrections process, CJ 302 which is criminal investigation (I'm really excited about it!), English lit 231, and Soc. 411 which is race and ethnic relations. On Mondays I'll be at school from 10 AM- 3:13 PM, on Wednesdays from 10 AM- 7:30 PM, and Fridays from 10 AM- 1 PM. Wednesdays will suck balls but I'll live.

On a happier note, Jude and I went to Alaina's house in Houston this past weekend. It was so nice to get away. We were supposed to go for the Katy Perry concert until it was postponed and good thing. We left at around 3 and didn't get there until around 9. It was supposed to take 4 hours but traffic was miserable. Oh well. The first night we just talked to Alaina a bit then went to bed. Saturday we went to lunch and did a little shopping and played TENNIS!!! It was amazing. I really love it. And I'm getting pretty comfortable with it. Then we got some beer and just played board games at the house. Alaina and Jordan are two of the best people to play board games with :) Sunday we woke up and went to my favorite- Cheesecake Factory. MMMMM! Then we did a little more shopping and headed home. It was a perfect weekend.

I love traveling with Jude. We're both very low key and don't care about the hooplah of everything. We just enjoy company. Well, at least I do. We were talking about where we'd like to go next and I couldn't think of anything. Maybe just a weekend in New Orleans. After we graduate (December 2010 hopefully!!) I'd like to go on a cruise. I want to sooo bad. I'm just keeping my fingers crossed :)

Close Call

2009-03-11T19:15:00.002-05:00

I had a potential near- death experience today. I met Jude for dinner like I always do on Wednesdays and I dropped him off at his truck so he could go to his last class. I was driving to the interstate from Nicholson and some jack ass in a minivan came across the intersection going about 50 MPH and didn't even look! I slammed on my brakes (and horn) and there was smoke coming from all of my tires and slid into the right lane a little. I was pissed. i was no more than 2 feet away from slamming into him.

I called Jude and said, "I almost died". He said, "Why from that puddle". I told him that was not a puddle, it was smoke and I told him what happened. I'm still pretty unnerved from that... Stupid mother fucker.

Discontent

2009-03-04T09:59:00.003-06:00

I've been very blah lately. I don't know if it's because I haven't gotten my "catch up" sleep in a while or because I haven't had a good lazy day with Jude but all of my negative emotions are amplified. I told Jude and Caroline the other day I feel an anxiety attach coming on. It's really annoying when I know it's on the verge. I better not get a fucking fever blister over this shit. I'll be mega-pissed. But, they do come when I'm stressing out

I have a couple midterms this week, 2 essays, a presentation, journals and I'm just getting to that point... And, I successfully earned a W in my psychology and CJ classes. Glad that's off my chest.

I'm not in the mood to write.

No More Xs On My Hains!!

2009-02-23T01:12:00.002-06:00

I had a great birthday :) Dinner with my best people, Chuck's for a little while, and Mardi Gras! I didn't drink much on my birthday night (much to my mom's dismay- seriously; she was not happy) And I worked on Friday but Saturday Thunderchunky played and I got pretty- happy. Haha. Then Sunday was the Mardi Gras parade in Thibodaux and I drank a good bit. I was THRILLED I didn't get Xs on my hands this year. LOL. Jude and I had an awesome time. I'm such a dumb ass though. I got a drink for Jude, Maddie, and me and there's a ramp/ step outside the bar and I fell. My face hit 2 asses. HAHA!! I busted my knee all up and then later cut my finger on a bead. I'm stupid but at least it was funny.

I'm off of school all next week (except Thursday) which is awesome. Jude and I invited our friends to a fish fry tomorrow and I'm really excited. We were going to do crawfish but they're not good right now so we're going to wait to do that.

What else? I'm ready for Jess to be home. Like, a lot.

Woo. Bed time. Bon soir.

Relief

2009-02-17T00:47:00.002-06:00

This passed weekend, my finger REALLY started hurting; to the point where I could hardly move it. It's been going on for a while now and I thought it was an injury but this was too much. I made an appointment with my rheumatologist and went this afternoon. He said since it's only in one joint it's probably just tendonitis. He froze the area around the joint then gave me a fucking hellish shot right in the tendon. It was numb and tingly for the rest of the day and at work, I was able to straighten it and bend it all the way. He really is my miracle doctor.

I was really scared this time around. I've been off of my medicine for about a year and I didn't want to start this again. I even started crying in the waiting room. I was SO relieved. It really takes a load off.

Dr. Mena is amazing.

Bon soir.

I Wonder

2009-02-13T09:04:00.005-06:00

I learned something already today. We're talking about bacteria and diseases and whatnot and we talked about Lyme's disease. I always pay attention to talks about it because I went to canoe camp when I was younger and had a huge know on the crease of my elbow when I got back for a long time and stupid Dr. Higgins thought it was Lyme's disease but then decided it wasn't.

My teacher said that Lyme's disease, if gone untreated, could cause life-long effects, such as arthritis. I already blame my wrist on him because all he did was put me on steroids for a year instead of preventive medicine. I wonder if I can blame everything on him for this? Hm...

I'm Gonna TRY!

2009-02-13T08:47:00.002-06:00

I've decided I'm not going to drop psychology immediately... I'll stick it out and see how I do on the midterm. I can't bring a 47 up to an A but if I can get a C- which is pushing it!!- I'll try. I still can't listen to him talk in class because he talks in a circle... but I can read the chapters and read his notes online.

When I got to the bar last night, Caroline and I were talking about places to go for my birthday (because I don't know any fun bars) and we decided on Walk Ons. I'm really excited. I'm not really inviting a whole bunch of people because I don't hang out with a bunch of people normally; I just want my everyday people. Haha.

I got my birthday presents from my mom already (if I don't decide to pay her back). We went shopping Wednesday and there's a new jewelry store in the mall called Local Charm and it was based in New Orleans I think. I got 3 of the cutest rings. My mom also got a ring and a bracelet. I'm obsessed with that store. And it's pretty cheap- mostly. My rings were like $22 a piece but the next one I want is $110. It's pretty:)

I've decided that I can't go to Waffle House on school nights anymore. I did it twice this semester and didn't get to sleep till like 430ish both times. Not smart. Lesson learned (I hope).

Kali was so cute this morning. Danny slept at our house last night because he was drunk. And we were leaving to go pick up his car and she said, "Jojo, pawpaw said it's pretty chilly out so y'all might want to grab a jacket." Haha it was so fricken sweet. I love that baby.

Sara's talking really well! Mom got her a big girl bike and she looked at me and said, "Pawpaw build it when he get home?" :( She's getting too big. But sweeter every day. I don't even call her the devil anymore.

Well, class is about to start so I have to be studious.

I'm Slacking :(

2009-02-09T10:26:00.002-06:00

I feel like a major slacker. I just went and got TWO withdrawal slips from my department head. I know I'm definitely dropping my internet criminal justice class and depending on my exam grade and my financial aid, I'm dropping psychology, too. Im sorry, I am not a flipping pre-med student. I don't care about the nerves in the brain. I care about psychological disorders and why we feel and do the things we do; but not the physiological shit. Here's an example of my professor's notes:

-Early in evolutionary history interneurons began to clump together into ganglia (singular is ganglion). These ganglia served as relay stations between sensory messages from receptors to effectors. The close proximity of the interneurons in the ganglia allowed a confluence of information. Eventually, things became more centralized with ganglia controlling other ganglia. The tendency in evolution is increasing centralization of function or encephalization. We can think of the nervous system as a hierarchy with the higher centers controlling the lower.

My brain cannot register this. So hopefully I can drop it. But then I really feel like a slacker... I'll only be taking 3 classes and a lab. That's almost nothing.

In other news, Jude and I went to see Jennifer and Eli :) He is precious. We had a good little time but it seemed very short. Probably not to them, but it was to me.

Now I'm excited for my birthday. I want to go somewhere low key with just a small group of people and have dinner and DRANK and stuff :) The sucky thing is that I have a test that day and am supposed to work :( AAAAnnnd I don't know where I want to go. Maybe Superior? Je ne sais (or sait? It's been a while) pas.

I'm going to go do some more slacking..

I Like These 'Random Facts' Things

2009-02-01T22:47:00.007-06:00

I like these; so here are some more.

1. I have to get my hands wet before I can touch soap (liquid or bar).

2. I would have never started wearing a seatbelt if it weren't for the annoying beep thing in my car.

3. I think my arthritis is making a slow comeback. My index finger has been hurting quite a bit lately and today it's my whole right wrist. My knuckles are very swollen (and only on that hand). I'm staying positive, though. I believe in the power of thought.

4. I really don't like animals. I don't believe in keeping animals in enclosed areas because it's unnatural. They all ran wild long before we started to change their habitats.

5. I know everyone does, but I really love funny compilations of words. For example, yesterday Jude said some man's "turkey was epic". LOL!!! Turkey referring to his chinS.

6. I hATe WheN pEOPLe TypE lIKe ThiS. eSPECIALLy WheN iT's SomeonE wHo Is 22 WitH a ChilD.

7. I think Waffle House is best between the hours of 2 and 6 AM.

8. I have put off being put on birth control because I don't want to gain any more weight than I have from all the steroids stupid Dr. Higgins put me on.

9. I have a notebook with a ton of house ideas. How I want to decorate, colors, furniture, room shapes, windows, shower heads, you name it.

10. I also have 3 wedding dresses picked out :( I showed 2 of them to Jude. One I've had in mind for about 5 years now and he said he didn't like it.

11. I've been trying to grow my hair out since high school and it's very frustrating.

12. When I was younger, Maddie's parents took us (and her brother) to McDonald's for breakfast. It was storming, the power went out, and they wouldn't let us leave.

13. I always get in the mood to take a nap 2 hours before I have to be at work. I hate it.

14. I fully believe in the death penalty. If you take someone else's life or harm a child, you don't deserve the RIGHT to live.

15. I think society has too many rules. If you're not harming yourself or anyone else, what's the big deal? But then again, I think about the people in society and realize why we have those rules...

16. I have to shave my legs EVERY time I shower.

17. Scrubs is my favorite TV show. I also love Will & Grace, One Tree Hill, Gossip Girl, and Jon & Kate Plus 8.

18. I want to have my children in other countries. Too bad it'd be mega expensive.

19. I've never really studied. I've only just crammed.

20. My tastebuds are in the process of changing. I haven't eaten eggs or breakfast sausage since I was about 7 and I recently ate eggs twice and sausage once. I now also like ranch. I LOVE dipping Sonic chicken tenders in BBQ sauce and ranch. It's yummy.

21. I'm not a fan of old people.

22. Internet classes apparently aren't for me. I'm about to drop this fucker. I just went to take a quiz and it said I already took it. When I went to view my grade, it says it wasn't completed. I guess I have to stay in Psychology...

23. Very little makes me happier than spending the whole day with Jude. From waking me up to falling asleep.

24. I also don't know if I want kids because even if I don't manage to screw them up, the world is way too mature these days. It terrifies me.

25. When I come home from work or get out of the shower, I have to make sure no one is in my closet. It still scares me.

Copied From Facebook

2009-02-01T04:43:00.002-06:00

1. I'll start off heavy: At Jude's today, his sister was asking what he believed (religion wise). Here's where I stand: I can't believe anything that isn't proven. And I don't have the faith to just know what is. I believe religion is based on culture. It's mostly just inherited. You're raised to believe this, so you do. Who is to say Christianity is the RIGHT thing to believe? Why not Judaism or Buddhism or anything? Alaina (Jude's sister) asked about conscience. I believe the people that are raised to be good people and to treat people well have a conscience because they were brought up to be nice. And they feel guilt when they do something wrong. People raised in a shitty environment do bad things because that's all they know (this is just speculation). I believe in Karma. You do good things, good will happen. You do bad things, bad will happen. Good things can still happen to bad people and vise versa because it's a balancing act. The bad that happens makes you appreciate the good. What else on this subject? I don't have an opinion on the things that aren't proven. I don't believe in heaven or hell. I pretty sure I believe in evolution but it hasn't been disproven. I don't know where we came from but according to physics, black holes exist. So are there white holes as well? I believe in the golden rule: Do unto others as you will have them do unto you. But, most of all, I don't see things as black/ white. For example (because I'm so passionate about this), just because someone is gay doesn't mean they can't go to what they know is heaven. If they are good people and treat people well, you deserve it. Sure, one might argue with what's written in the Bible. One thing to say: The Bible was written by man. By a human person. People lie, exaggerate, and have biased opinions. You cannot tell me (if you believe in heaven) that Gandhi isn't in heaven. Anyway, I think that's all on that. Maybe...

2. I always talk about my past lives (even though I don't know if I believe in reincarnation). I think in my past lives (figuratively speaking) I was once gay. I am most passionate about gay rights and it pisses me off. To quote Rita Mae Brown, "No government has the right to tell its citizens when or whom to love. The only queer people are those who don't love anybody". This comes back to religion as well. They won't pass a law allowing gay people to marry because of the Bible. I thought there was that whole separation of church and state thing? Where'd that go? Anyway, I also believe I was once black. I believe I was a medical something (I don't know what). I could go on and on. I think about it all the time.

3. Jude and I play the "Who we'd be gay for" game. On my list are: Katy Perry, Angelina Jolie, Amy Lee, a real lesbian named Jaci that used to come sing karaoke at the bar (she's amazing. She sings 'Me and Bobby Magee better than Melissa Ethridge ??), Mary Kate Olsen, Zooey Deschanel, PINK!!!!!, etc. Again, I could go on and on.

4. I still don't know what I want to do with my life. Since I was 11 I've wanted to be a paramedic and I still do. My major is criminal justice but I've always loved the adrenaline rushes I get when I see car accidents. I know it sounds terrible, but I can remember taking a family vacation to Florida when I was young and seeing a bad accident and begging my parents to stop so I could go help. What is a 10 year old going to do to help? Nothing. But I've always loved the though. I still do.

5. That being said, I think I'll have a college degree and still work at my mom's bar. I really do love it. And I make some moolah :) I couldn't have a desk job. I need something hands on.

6. I still don't know if I want children. I've always wanted to be pregnant, but not have kids. I'd love to be a surrogate mother. I wouldn't be able to live with myself if my children ended up unhappy. I spend many nights crying about how Kali and Sara will turn out. For example: Will Kali feel as if she's not loved as much as Sara because she lives with my parents and me and Sara goes with Jamie every night? And her dad doesn't call enough? It breaks my heart. I also feel like I'm too crazy to be a good parent. I like things done a certain way and I lose my temper when I'm a little off. I just don't think I could make a child as happy as I'd like them to be. But, I still have a ton of kid names picked out. William Patrick, Oliver, Jacques, Raegan, Brooke, Adrian, etc.

7. I've always wanted to elope. But Jude won't let that happen but I refuse to have a church wedding. I think it'd be hypocritical. There will be no "Marriage is a man and woman" crap. I think we've decided on a beach wedding, in a winter month (because I don't like to sweat). A small reception there (with a few friends and family) and a big party for everyone. Yes, two receptions means more money but we have a lot of people that we want to be there. But this is all a LONG way away. Haha.

8. Kali's happiness is the most important thing in my life. I feel incredibly guilty when she sits at home (at my parents') all day on a Saturday. It's so bad in the summer.

9. I don't want to live in another state, but I'd love to live in another country. However, I do know I want Cody Daniels to be my neighbor. And I've told him, where he lives, Jude and I will live. They've both agreed (but I think Cody was drunk when we talked about it :) ).

10. I recently found out that things you never thought would happen can. It sucks, really bad.

11. I'm very stubborn. Especially at the bar, I like things done my way. To me, it's very practical and logical.

12. It's very hard for me to accept gifts. I hate being bought things.

13. I love thinking green. I use organic shampoo, organic sheets, organic makeup brushes, some makeup. But, I don't have a recycling bin, I love shopping, etc. I want a hybrid. Badly.

14. I'm pretty much an open book. I wear my heart on my sleeve and I'm very emotional. I cannot control my facial expressions (I recently learned I got this from my father) and everything I think and feel shows up in the wrinkle on my forehead. I can't wait to get that little fucker botoxed.

15. I do think I will have plastic surgery one day. A long way down the line.

16. I always tell the truth. I don't want to be lied to so I'm not going to lie. It's the most insulting thing you can do, in my opinion. If you have something to lie about you shouldn't be doing it. With that, I'd be a terrible sales person. For example: When I worked at Deangelo's and a woman would call and order a chicken sensation salad. Those bitches are huge and cost like $13. I'd tell her she could get a small sensation salad, add chicken, and it would cost $6. But, it goes back to that golden rule thing.

17. I don't think there will ever come a time when I work only one job. Well, I only have one now but I go to school 4 days a week, too.

18. I love mixed babies. Like on Jon and Kate plus 8. So cute. I also love little black boys. They're are SOO cute. I also love little people (of any age). I saw a Japanese little person who was like 10 years old on TV and fell in love.

19. I have absolutely no rhythm. If you catch me dancing to something other than a slow song, it's time for the night to be over because I've had too much.

20. I love tattoos and piercings. I have 2 tatoos (yes, 2). Soutenir L'amour (support love) on my wrist and a lightening bold on my side. I have 2 more picked out as well. Science proves it wrong and a hand making a peace sign colored in rainbow colors. (I'm very passionate). I also have a lip ring. My favorite earring holes didn't work out- either time. I still consider trying a third.

21. Do you ever think about the people you know and realize how beneficial they've been in your life? Like they've really made a difference? It's incredible how many I have. My friends from high school particularly. They didn't go to my school, but I still consider them the best people that have been in my life. Sorry, it's mushy.

22. I can't imagine not being close with my family. Both of my parents don't really keep in touch with their siblings. I know I don't call mine often at all, but I still know what's going on with them. And I still feel close to them.

23. Every birthday card or Valentine note from Jude or anything, I cry. Maybe not in front of everyone, but I do. The card Jessica sent me for my 20th birthday made me cry the hardest. For a long time.

24. There isn't a day that goes by when my fingernails aren't painted. They're ALWAYS painted. I have a bag full of OPI and I definitely take advantage of that.

25. I try to be appreciative of everything. Even little things like fever blister free lips. Well, that's not so little. But, the fans in my room. My family, friends, Jude, job. I'm very fortunate; more than I should be. I'm so glad I didn't end up to be racist. I like to think I'm open- minded even though I know I'm stubborn. I'm still open to other things. Anyway, I'm just appreciative of my upbringing.

THE END!!

Schoooool.

2009-01-30T12:09:00.003-06:00

Okay, I tried several times to post my pictures up of Nashville on the site, and no go San Francisco. It wouldn't work. So they're on facebook.

School is- interesting. Biology is still great. Weird. I still don't believe it. As we speak, I am supposed to be on my way home, but I missed my biology class this morning so I could sleep (4 hours last night) but I decided to be a good student and go to my teacher's other bio. 107 class. Which is now. And this class is behind ours and I already have these notes so... I'm waiting for the new stuff.

I love English, too. It's a lot of work that seems irrelevant at the time, and then magically she brings it all together for a common purpose. I love her. Her smile and communication skills are a liiiiiiiitle condescending, like we're kindergardeners ("Do you guys understand that? Hannah?) She is cool though. I hate the people in there though. It's a required course for all majors so people don't really want to be there, and they show it. I don't know.

I love my biology lab, too. My professor looks like a Lawrence brother. We took a quiz Wednesday. Our lab quizzes last semester were killer. So I studied for over an hour. I got in there, it's 3 multiple choice, 3 fill in the blank, 1 fill in the chart and 2 bonuses. Then he said, "Here's another bonus question: What's my name? And if you don't know it, write something funny and I'll give you a point." He was reading some and said, "I don't know, but your dad's name is Bob. That's not even true *laughs*. You're definitely getting a point" So, he's cool.

I HATE!!!!!!!!! psychology. More than words. I don't comprehend his babble so all I do in class is play online games and talk to people on facebook (if you ever wanna talk, 10-11am!). His notes are online so I guess I'll study that. He's stupid.

My classroom CJ class is a lot better than I hoped. I heard many bad things about this guy but I like him. I'm learning a lot. I love it.

My online CJ class however, hates me. I can never complete an online quiz. I have yet to do it. It's ridiculous. We have 10 minutes to take it and I'll get to question 6 or 8 with several minutes left and it takes up the rest of my time without going to the next question. She teaches a classroom CJ class (same section) at the same time as my psych class. I asked her if I could join in there and drop psychology and told her why. She said she forwarded my email to the dept head and the dean (I need their approval). I'm still waiting on an email back. I hate to drop it because I need the course. But, I can't fail it. So.... for the time being, I'm a little fucked.

Ok, new notes.

Bon soir.

My House Could Have Burned Down...

2009-01-28T19:03:00.002-06:00

I was home, watching Scrubs before I had to read 90+ pages in "To Kill A Mockingbird" so I can take the quiz online before midnight and I smelled something weird. It kind of smelled like hot glue but my mom was cooking so... Haha. Not that she's a bad cook, at all, she's great!, but, ya never know. (I think there are WAY too many commas in that sentence). Anyway, I didn't think anything of it really but I heard something click. The bathroom breaker sometimes trips and it sounded like that when you turn it back on. So I walked in the kitchen and didn't smell it in there. I walked in my closet and it was really bad in there- that's where the breaker box is. I told my mom to come smell and she was checking to see that the breakers were all on and one burned her fingers. It was the heater breaker.

We called my dad and he came home (in under 10 minutes!) and he just changed the breaker out. It was all burned up and behind it- a beehive. How odd. But he scraped the hive off and he's now looking for a replacement breaker. Good thing he's an electrician...

A New Semester, A New Problem

2009-01-14T15:51:00.003-06:00

I'm seriously terrified of this semester. It's definitely going to be my hardest one so far. I left campus 2+ hours ago and I'm still shaking from nerves.

We all know how much I hate any kind of science right? Well, that's the only class I'm looking forward to (Janie, as good as this may seem, it's not!). Not only is my professor EXACTLY like Suki from Gilmore Girls but she seems pretty easy. She had us all cracking up today. First class, not so bad.

Then I got to Psychology. I didn't NEED this class but it does count toward my electives. This guy scared me senseless. He asked who all has taken Biology. I have, so I raised my hand, as did most others. He said, "Good, then you already know what I'm talking about when I say *gibberish*." Huh? He says it's a very hard class but you'll learn a lot and crap. I wanted an easy class....

After that I go to English. I read on ratemyprofessor.com that this woman is cool. I read her syllabus before class and almost shat on myself. We already have a TON of homework due Friday and guess how much it's worth? 2.5 points. Not 25 Points, 2.5. Yeah, all the shit load of homework we have this semester all counts as "participation". What bullshit. And, along with all the regular essays, quizzes, etc. that determine our grade, we have a presentation to do. I already took Speech, I don't want to do a presentation! AND, we have to do a "proficiency portfolio and exam". It's comprised of two essays, with all drafts and peer reviews in perfect MLA format and an exam we have to take. All to be graded by two OTHER professors, not our own. And even if we have an A in the class, if we fail either the portfolio or the exam, we fail the class. That's just fantastic.

Well, then I have 2 hours to wait for my lab. I go to lunch, Walmart to get "To Kill A Mokingbird" because that's what the whole English class is about (too bad I didn't read it in high school like I was supposed to), and piddle around for a while. Well, when I go to class after wasting all that time, it doesn't start until next week. Awesome again.

I'm also taking 2 criminal justice classes. Both taught by the two worst CJ professors at Southeastern. AND... one is online. I'm not organized enough or have the memory to pull that off. And the other is only once a week. Again.... don't have the memory. So... I'm freaking out. Badly.

Wish me LOTS of luck, please.

P.S. I will post pics and stuff about my Nashville trip soon. I promise.

Bon soir.

Nashville, Here We Come!

2008-12-30T02:23:00.003-06:00

So Christmas was pretty good. I wish Jenn was home, though. It didn't feel the same. I also wish I didn't work as much. But, it's okay. We had a great time.

Last night at work, One of the customers pumped $700 into the poker machine and didn't hit. Now, working there for over two years, I observe things. Normally when she does this and her machine doesn't hit. The first person to put money in the next day will hit. Well, I worked today. And when I got there I put $10 in the same machine and what do I get? $283.25!!! Yep, There's my car note. Plus some :) Sure it's illegal.... who cares? Haha. I told my mom, so I'm good.

Working way too many nights consecutively is really tough. And I know that working New Year's Eve is going to almost kill me. So I wanted to take a little weekend trip somewhere. I started looking at some things in Arkansas and when I mentioned it to Jude, mainly just to see if he wanted to come, he suggested Tennessee. We had been talking about taking a semi-long road trip next summer but he's going to be taking summer classes. And this seemed almost perfect! I started looking at rooms on Expedia.com and found a hotel with great reviews (mostly) for $38 a night. YAY!! We were looking at our schedules from now to the start of school and we decided that January 8-11 will be best :) So... what is there to do there? For cheap? Any suggestions let me know, please!

I'm so happy. Bon soir.

Answers

2008-12-15T09:59:00.002-06:00

Alright, so a few people asked me why I haven't blogged in a while and here it is. I can't write about my life when I'm not sure it's a reality. What I mean by that is this:

I haven't slept regularly in about a month and a half. I usually sleep every other night. It has my mind so confused, my body is numb. Literally. I can't feel my hands, my feet, my face. I can feel pressure if something is there, but I can't feel it. And it's scary.

I also can't remember anything to write about. I'll remember until the night that I get sleep. Once I sleep, my memories are very distant and dream like. I can't remember anything. I don't remember what day it is.

And when I don't sleep, food doesn't like to stay settled for long. So sleep deprived + food deprived= reeeeallllyyy healthy. (Shut up, Jessica. I will go to the doctor, okay?)

And I made a huge (to say the least) mistake that I can't forgive myself for. I'm not going into detail because it hurts. But I will say this, I don't deserve anything good. But I had the best gift last night and I don't deserve it. And it's hard to accept that gift because I know I shouldn't be getting what I want. And I'm terrified. Ok, no more detail. That's too much.

Point is, I don't blog because I can't remember if things happening in my life are real or not. Bear with me.

Life.

2008-12-04T08:43:00.002-06:00

I can get back to my life again. I finished the last book Tuesday before work. It was really, really good :)

Thanksgiving was a lot of fun. I wish it could have lasted longer.

This is my last day of classes for the semester. Finals next week! I think I'm the only person excited for that. I really need to do well though. No more waking up at 6AM!!!!

What else? Jude and I are going Christmas shopping today. I think I know what I'm getting everyone. I hope!

I have no stories... My life seemed to stop when I was reading those books. It was a bit pathetic.

No Life.

2008-11-25T08:20:00.001-06:00

I can't do anything until I finish the Twilight series.

I will blog when I'm finished.

Say Whaa?!

2008-11-13T17:11:00.002-06:00

Today was pretty cool. Well, classes weren't but when I was sitting with Danny on our break, he showed me this nifty little link at the Southeastern website that shows you the course curriculum and you can figure out how much school you have left. Well, I wrote down all the classes I've taken, the ones I plan on taking next semester, and the ones I have to take aaannnndddd.... I only have 3 semesters left!!! 3! That is, if I take about 18 hours for the next few semesters, which I was planning on doing anyway. I'm so excited. Woohoo!

The Past Couple Of Weeks...

2008-11-11T07:59:00.003-06:00

Well, no house for a little while. I FINALLY have all my credit cards paid off and now I can really buckle down and start saving. I need to save for at least! a down payment and I need a couch set, a refrigerator, an entertainment center, and a lawn mower. But first, a down payment. So that is where I begin.

Remember a couple months ago when I overslept and had an exam in my first class and had to park in a teacher's spot and got a ticket? Well Thursday I went to pay it when low and behold, my pell grant paid for it. How cool is that?!? I was excited.

Then a couple days later, my mom was sorting through the mail and gave me mine. And what was in it? A check from school for $815!! Saving just got a little easier :) It's easier for me to save when I have a chunk already started. So, woo hoo!

We went to Jenn's a couple weeks ago for her baby shower. It was a lot of fun. It was great to get away even though our phones wouldn't stop ringing. It's like we didn't even leave the bar... which is depressing. But it was fun. I got to see Lindsay, Janie, Jodie, Kieth... Hhhh. Oh, and my sister :)

I'm in class so I need to be a good student.

I, For One, Am STOKED!! But...

2008-11-05T00:57:00.001-06:00

People are really amazing. I have a few things to say on some comments made by people toward Obama:
1. The whole "not putting his hand over his heart" shit along with the "getting rid of the 1st amendment rights (you know, those about freedom of choice). One, he is expressing his freedom of speech and religion rights in CHOOSING not to put his hand over his heart during the national anthem or pledge of allegiance. If he doesn't want to, he doesn't have to. Nor do I. nor do you!
2. He is living the American dream! 20 years ago it would have been unfathomable for this day to come. I for one am SO proud that it has. Maybe one of these days I can go without hearing the N word. Maybe one day, people, collectively, will be able to look at this as a great day. Maybe one day, I won't be ashamed of my skin color because of the jackasses who think they are superior.
3. Because one man won the election over another, you want to move out of the country? ADIOS! That's one less closed- minded person to deal with.
4. I cannot express how offended I was to see, "it doesn't matter, he'll be dead in a few days anyway...". WOW! It really showed me how intelligent people can be. I'm still at a loss for words because that was so hurtful. I love Louisiana.
5. It's done. It's over. And I hope Obama can prove all of you wrong. Please stop being so dramatic and deal with it like adults.

Cry Cry Baby

2008-11-02T10:45:00.002-06:00

After crazy work Friday night, I had to go home and get some sleep to go up to Ruston for Jennifer's baby shower. Well, wouldn't ya know I didn't get to sleep until 6 am. Why? I don't know. I wasn't tired. But I was tired when they came in my room at 9...

We all got ready and whatnot and we got on the road. I saw the more horrific thing... They began tearing Maddie's house down. I was at that house more than I was at my own and had the best, happiest memories from there. They had about half down and I could see two rooms from the road: the big den and the older brother's room. The other half of the house was at the road ready for the garbage to pick it up.

I immediately burst into tears. I thought I cried all my tears when the hurricane demolished it, but for someone to come with a bulldozer and really demolish it, it was just overwhelming. It personified something else for me: growing up. I was emailing another childhood friend that grew up at Maddie's house and she said we can't make any more of the memories like we had in the other house, we're too old. And it's sad but true. I just hope the memories I do have stay with me forever. I know it's cheezy, but they're the best ones I've got.

RIP Maddie's house.

Who Cares?

2008-10-31T19:47:00.003-05:00

So, my mom told me that some of my family members have been bitching about my parents getting me into a house instead of Jamie. It's not your business. (Is that better?)

Anyway, for those happier for me, Caroline, Jude, and Danny, I've found a couple of prospects. We know our limit is $135. The one I'm leaning toward now is brand new, in Port Allen, 3 bed/ 2 bath for $129. I e-mailed the realtor to see if we can go look at it next week. Here's the link to it
http://www.gbrmls.com/BTRLAFReports/ListitLib/report_builder.aspx?category=1&r1=cchOXkHkEQShH%2EsL%2Ea%2DS5R&m1=mNF%21ZpAzOfm&footer=505152514866&maillog_id=3214269378

Let me know what you think :)

I've also found a couple down in Plaquemine. I'm not crazy about living next to a cane field because of the nasty little mice. But the whole road is very conservative- looking black families but that is totally fine with me. The houses are just a little bit small. But they're still an option.

I got word of a foreclosure (down the road from where the skating rink used to be) but there's still people living there. I told the realtor the address and asked if she could find anything out on it.

There's also one more (down where my grandmother used to live by Iberville Bank in Addis). It looks vacant and I think the bank owns it. I asked the realtor about it, too. It's reeeally cute, but needs a good cleaning in that yard.

The first one I'm looking at is the one with the link, though. So I want comments!!

House Hunting!!

2008-10-29T22:56:00.003-05:00

I cannot control my excitement! I haven't stopped smiling in like 30 hours. Caroline, Danny, Jude and I are getting a house together. AH! I talked to my parents and they, especially mad dad, thought that it was a great time to buy because the economy is so shitty. It's a huge, long story, but we've talked about it a lot and know the commitment it is. We even have a limit! $135,000, and yes, it was a calculation!

We went to look at a house today. My dad and Danny came. 3 bed/ 2 bath and way more than what it's worth. My mom got wind of a house being foreclosed and it's not on the market yet but will be very very soon. 3 bed/ 2 bath $89,000. I also found a 3 bed/1 bath for $60,000. Dad said we'll look at both but we're leaning toward the $89,000. It's closer and seems nicer.

AND!!, Jude's parents are okay with it. I was SHOCKED! I thought they'd want to shoot one of us in the face, but they don't. WOO HOO!!

I'm so excited. I'll never sleep tonight. My dad got home and yelled, "I'm ready to buy a house!". Hahaha.

Fudge The Buhkit.

2008-10-26T01:43:00.002-05:00

So... Thursday and Friday nights I worked alone. I was supposed to work with Mandy tonight but surprise, the woman that called in sick Wednesday didn't show up for work today. So I asked Mandy if I worked 1-9, could she work alone tonight. She said yes. When I got off, the band still didn't show up; which was good because there was a huge benefit today and it would have been slow anyway.

Well, I've worked the last 3 nights and all day today so I wanted to have a little fun. All of my friends were in New Orleans so I stayed at Chuck's. My new friends were there. They're there every weekend and they're about my age. Really cool, nice guys. I hung out with them all night and got a little tipsy with them. We have more in common than I thought. They're all hilarious. It was fun.

Dee's daughter brought her and me home. Shiiii. It's bed time.

Bon soir BITCHES!

I Don't Want To Be White.

2008-10-25T02:45:00.002-05:00

I am so pissed off right now. I've been busting my ass working alone the last two nights at the bar and some fuckers had to FUCK with my happy- streak. After 2 AM, after last call, after I said get out, The 10 or so people who were in there were being cool. I know almost all of them. They were playing pool, playing the jukebox, just hanging out. One of the guys in there has become a REALLY great friend of mine. His name is Mark. He's older, kind of looks like Ed Munster, friendly to everyone (except people at Waffle House- haha another story for another time), helps me out a lot. He's one of the few who, when there's any sort of friction, I say Mark and point a finger and he's there calming the situation. Or if I ask for help with the garbage, he won't let me lift a finger. Great guy.

Two of his friends he hasn't seen in 20 years come in the bar. They just so happen to be black. I don't know their names, so I'll call them A and B. Mark and the guys are talking and Mark bought A a gin on the rocks and B was the DD. Well the three white fucks that were playing pool come up, supposedly about to leave but wanted to "talk to Mark". Anyway, one of the white fucks kind of touches A the wrong way. A is a little off. He was very uncomfortable and, well you could tell he was a little off. He says, "Please don't touch me. I don't like being touched." Well, the white fuck has to buck up and be all alpha asshole and Mark (who knew the white fucks, too) was trying to be mediator saying they are with him, back off, they didn't do anything. Two cops were in there and I was telling the white fucks to leave. Being the overly-nice people they were, A and B go sit in the car. The white fucks start the whole, "Fuck that N word blah blah blah."

At that point, I'm shaking. YOU HAVE NO SAY IN WHO COMES IN AND OUT OF CHUCK'S LOUNGE, BUDDY. I was screaming, "You three, get the fuck out. They weren't doing anything, get out. Mr. Bobby (the cop), please get them out. I go talk to A and B and ask them to come have a drink on me but they said they didn't want to start anything. The white fucks go outside and try to shake hands now like they're the good guys. Fuck that. I'm glad A didn't give in to that shit.

Anyway, they didn't end up coming back in and Mark didn't even get to tell them goodbye. I did make the white fucks leave though. I made everyone else leave but Mark. We ended up talking about his upbringing and whatnot and I ended up crying. I'm still crying.

I hate that people think they have the RIGHT to treat people like that. Who the fuck are you?! Do they honestly think they are better?

On THAT note, for everyone that doesn't think racism doesn't exist anymore, listen up. I will go off on the person that says, "Black people are more racist than white people. 'They' always bring up the race card." Fuck that. WWWEEE (white people) act like THAT, and start never ending SHIT and continue the ugly racist cycle. It's still here. As long as there are people like the white fucks on this planet, there will be racism. FUCK THEM!!!

Shit.

2008-10-24T03:01:00.002-05:00

I'm really tired so this will be to the point. Everything's been good. Yesterday I got a call while I was at work (at 3 PM) from Charlena, who was supposed to relieve me at 6PM saying she couldn't make it. I got someone else to cover the rest of my shift and I went in at 6. I didn't leave until 12 but I made a good bit.

I got home and went to sleep. Well, I overslept. And I had a midterm in my first class. I get dressed in 5 minutes and got to the bridge and traffic was stopped. I had 40 minutes to make it to class an hour a way. Fuck.

I came home and missed my classes and my midterm. I'm going to get a doctor's note, hopefully saying I got an appendectemy (sp????) Lol. This was bad. Bad bad bad on my part.

The only other time I overslept I had an exam in my first class. What's up with that?

The Good and the Bad

2008-10-16T12:33:00.002-05:00

Welp, I went to the doctor yesterday. He was very nice but doesn't think it's anything serious. He said it's Irritable Bowel Syndrome... yep. Haha. He took a blood sample and got some x-rays and gave me some samples of this medicine. I hate it though. It makes me dizzy, and my lungs hurt when I breathe, and people in my classes are freezing while I'm- not. It sucks. And my stomach is doing silly things right now and I'm in the middle of class. Oh well.

He also told me I have to eat salads with every meal, eat sugar free candy, and drink lots of liquids, regardless of what it is. Easy enough.

If the medicine doesn't work, he's going to send me to a gastrointernologist or something like that? From what my stomach is telling me, it's working. We'll see.

On a sadder note, I've decided to put off France. A lady came in our class to talk to us about it today and had all these things planned and blah blah blah and... if I'm going to spend a month in France, I want to do have my own schedule. I don't want to have to go by someone else's with 20 other people. Also, I'd have to have all of the money together by Feb. 12 and that's NOT far away. I can't do it. I think I'll wait, but I will go one day. DON'T THINK I'M SELLING OUT!! :(

I Love ____.

2008-10-14T22:28:00.002-05:00

My life is complete!!!

Caroline (Jude's sister), Danny (a guy I went to high school with who is now in Jude's band), and I all carpool to school together. Today was Danny's day to drive. His AC takes a while to get going so we always put the windows down for a while. Well, when we were leaving school, we were at a 3-way stop. We waited for the two other cars to go then it was out turn. Danny was on the phone and we were just hanging out and when we pulled out, all of a sudden a chick on a bike hits us! Now this chick was crazy. She ran smack into the car. Like, the side. She had a few things she was carrying but she also had two huge bandages on her arm already. Well, instinctively, Caroline and I poke our heads out of the windows and ask if she's alright. At this time, Danny tells Mark, "Oh shit, I just hit somebody. I'll call you back, " and he stops in the middle of the intersection thing. The chick hops up, "Oh, I'm fine. I'm sorry!" Bitch, you crazy. I mean, if we would have run into her with the front of the car, that's one thing. She hit the middle of the car. Like, in between the passenger door and back door. How do you do that?

After she assured us she was okay, we went and about 20 feet later, we all died laughing. I got a pain in my side that I couldn't shake for 15 minutes and I think we all ended up crying. It was amazing. I wish I could have that moment for the rest of my life.

A poop update: I have an appointment tomorrow with an internal medicine doctor. We'll see....

Bon soir.

Ew Ew Ew Ew Ew

2008-10-11T03:34:00.003-05:00

So... Mirilax didn't work. (Sorry about the constant over share about my bowels but... that's what's going on with me). It said that I would have a- movement- in 1-3 days. Well, it's the fourth day and I've got nothin. My parents got kind of worried when I told them it's been extremely close to a month now. To make light of the situation though, my dad (of course) said, "So you're like, full of shit." Hahaha

My mom went and got me some Magnesium Citrate (I think that's what it's called). THAT IS THE GROSSEST SHIT I'VE EVER HAD TO FORCE MYSELF TO CONSUME!!! I need to sue them for false advertisement. "Pleasant citrus flavor". MY ASS! I was gagging drinking it and almost threw up in the sink. Ugh, I can still taste it. Gross.

This Just In...

2008-10-07T23:07:00.000-05:00

It even burned my EYELASHES!!!

Burned...

2008-10-07T22:32:00.002-05:00

Today, I had school. Blah blah blah. I got home and had planned on cooking grilled chicken breast with Colby Jack cheese and bacon on top with some pasta roni. Well, I season the chicken and put the water, milk, and butter in the pot to boil and I go to light the pit. I think we should all remember about a month ago that I burned the shit out of the ribeye rack my mom bought. Well, today was no better. I turned the gas knob thing, I turned the burners on and pushed the "ignite" button and nothing happened. I got a lighter from the kitchen and went to try again and it blew! I smelled something.... MY HAIR!! The top of my hair is about a half of a centimeter long. Not a lot of it, but still. I worked really hard for a long time trying to get my hair semi- healthy and now I'm screwed. I'm still pissed. I almost cried. I vow never to touch a bar b que pit again.